


I Would Know If You Were Meant to Be By My Side

by mago_teung



Series: Requests! [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Kageyama Tobio, Backstory, Drunken Confessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Headcanon, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Kageyama Tobio, Insecurity, Kageyama Tobio is Bad at Feelings, Kageyama Tobio-centric, Light Angst, M/M, Minor Character Death, Oblivious Kageyama Tobio, Protective Karasuno Volleyball Club, References to Depression, Third Year Hinata Shouyou and Kageyama Tobio
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:53:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28344963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mago_teung/pseuds/mago_teung
Summary: At age 8, Kageyama lost his childhood.At age 13, Kageyama lost his idol.At age 15, Kageyama lost the most important person in his life.At age 18, Kageyama lost his first love.At age 24, Kageyama lost for his country.The whole time, Hinata was there, finding him.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: Requests! [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2075808
Comments: 27
Kudos: 148





	I Would Know If You Were Meant to Be By My Side

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tsubasa_no_Yume](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsubasa_no_Yume/gifts).



> DISCLAIMER : The idea of the following fanfic does not belong to me. This was requested by the person it is gifted towards and that person deserves full credit for the idea. This is only my interpretation of the request.

_At age 8_

the brand new Nintendo DS came out just a month before Kageyama Tobio's birthday. Everyone had it, that little portable, flipping console, and those square chips that you could put in the back that produced a game which made the screen light up. 

When the word 'everyone' was said, it meant everyone _but_ Kageyama.

"Up, up, up! You're gonna die!" Some kid on the playground - Yukiteru? No, Kiteruyu... - screamed with such delight, as if this game was the last thing he'd be fighting for in his life. Kageyama stood silently on the edge of the playground with a volleyball in hand and watching. What game were they playing again? Something with a little man running through pipes or something. Kageyama couldn't see the screen.

"Ah, my turn! Give it to me!" Teruyumi - Kageyama really had to ask for his name again - pushed the DS owner aside, grabbing the device and starting the game again. All the other kids were excited to watch, anxiously waiting in line for their turn, not noticing how Kageyama took his first steps on the playground.

School just ended. Kageyama could have gone home.

But his friends were here. Playing. Surely Kageyama would have to join them.

"Is it fun?"  
'More fun than volleyball?' Kageyama wanted to add, but held it in when the kids all looked up at him, blank stares straight at him. The way Kageyama held his volleyball stiffened for some reason and he could feel sweat on the back of his neck.

"Yeah," they answered awkwardly, causing Kageyama to also shift awkwardly. "It's fun."

It's fun. That meant Kageyama would enjoy it too. It was a game with a motive and a winner, so surely it had to be fun for Kageyama. Even though he's never played a video game before, it shouldn't be that hard.

"You have to wait till I die first, Kageyama!" Yuki-something with a loud laugh, looking like he was surpassing everyone in terms of levels. "And then Chiika-kun and Kouha-kun are planning to go next. You gotta wait your turn."

Kageyama turned to look at the sun, watching as it was going down. He wasn't allowed to stay out past the street lights turning on and he knew that. But his friends were out here, playing on the DS, and now Kageyama was waiting his turn.  
He needed to stay.

"Ah, I died!" Yuki-whatever squealed, pushing the DS into Chiika's hands and putting him in the middle for his turn. When Kageyama tried to look to see how to actually play the game one of the kids pushed him straight on the ground, intentionally or by accident Kageyama would never find out.

"My ball!" Kageyama gasped when he realized the empty feeling he had wasn't being pushed around by his classmates, but the lack of volleyball he had in his hand. When he turned around he watched the ball rolling off the playground, bouncing to the side walk with tremendous speed. It took him a bit to realize what was happening until Kageyama lifted himself up and sprinted out for it. No one stopped him.

As Kageyama ran, the ball rolled and rolled with no one to stop it. There was nobody to warn him, no body to tell him that chasing a ball that went to the middle of the road was the stupidest thing a kid could do because no one in a truck could see you in time.  
No one told Kageyama and Kageyama wasn't going to give up his precious volleyball. Not when it was a gift.

The loudest honk in Kageyama's life, the one that would prevent him from driving until much later in life, was a deadly traumatizing sound and no longer was a sound of warning.

"Your son is very lucky to have had that truck driver see him. One second too late and he wouldn't be sitting next to you."  
"I'm his sister, not his mom," Miwa scowled, her arm tightening around Kageyama's shoulders. "And maybe if you didn't let 8 year olds walk home by themselves, this wouldn't be a problem in the first place."  
"Your parents signed the consent form. Not even the police can hold anything over the school about that unless the child is harmed on school property. You should talk to your parents for that if such a ruckus will happen again."

How could Miwa be mistaken for his mom, Kageyama wondered. She was wearing a high school uniform.

"Well, anyway," the big police man who 'saved' Kageyama (years later Miwa would explain that the police didn't have any intention of saving Kageyama until they remembered there were newly tested surveillance cameras everywhere on that street) grabbed the handle of the wire phone, letting out a big sigh as he sat down.

"Let's call your parents, shall we? Give me their number, kid."  
"001-908-"  
"Our parents are busy," Miwa quickly cut Kageyama off when he started reciting the house phone number. Usually it was Miwa who picked it up, sometimes Kageyama if it was a family member or teacher calling. "They won't pick up even if you call. They're not home right now."

The police officer looked at Miwa skeptically, like he didn't believe a word, but instead of fighting for any other number, he just put the phone down. "Well," the officer clapped his hands with a helpless smile. "I trust you two can get home safe, yeah? I don't need to call anyone to pick you up?"

2002\. It wasn't the 90's. Yet kids were so independent.

"Yes," Miwa nodded, standing up, Kageyama mimicking her. She took her little brothers hand, so small at the time, Miwa's hand almost ate his up. He was about at her hip at age 8, herself at age 16 and supposed to be hanging out with her friends. "We can get home on our own."

Miwa never let Kageyama take the bus home even though it was faster and he could technically get on for free. Someone with a ' _face as cute as you_ ' would get bothered easily, she told him. ' _If the school doesn't let you stay until 4 PM start walking home on your own, okay? I'll meet you halfway_.' It was a miracle Miwa made it right at the time the police officer last minute saved Kageyama from being hit.

"Why didn't grandpa come?" Kageyama asked, kicking a stone on the ground. Miwa was still holding his hand.

"We can't bother him with stuff like that," Miwa answered curtly. She didn't speak too complicated for him, always kept her words and sentences short since he was so much younger. Kageyama could probably understand if she were to explain more in depth and it might've been more useful for the both of them. But she never did, always leaving Kageyama in the unknown, and maybe it was better that way.  
Kageyama wouldn't need to know. Not until he's older, then he could figure it out.

"Why not? He takes care of us."  
"He's not our parents," Miwa answered more stiffly, the squeeze in Kageyama's hand indicating a flinch. Miwa stopped walking on the path, looking down at her younger brother with a sigh. What was he thinking? Miwa never asked.

"Come on. Let's get you ice cream."

Whenever Miwa treated him, Kageyama knew it was a silent demand to not talk anymore. It was to keep his mouth shut for the rest of the walk, and as he grew older he started to know why constant talking was annoying.  
It was also a time for her to talk without Kageyama asking questions.

"Tobio," Miwa called out but didn't look down at him. She knew he would pay attention. "What made your ball roll out on the street like that?" Because Miwa was 16 and noticed right away that all the kids on the playground weren't even turning to watch where Kageyama ran off to.

"I fell," Kageyama answered. It wasn't a lie, technically. Miwa had a strong feeling, a sibling instinct almost, that Kageyama was missing part of the story. Such an honest boy wouldn't lie about it though, so he must have read the situation wrong or completely forgotten in the middle of chasing after his ball. With a click of her tongue, Miwa leaned down to lick a dollop of Kageyama's ice cream. In response Kageyama lifted the cone up to offer her more.

"I don't like those kids," Miwa said, not planning to explain why. "Don't play with them anymore."  
"Who am I supposed to play with then?" Kageyama asked, motioning to his volleyball that Miwa took the liberty of holding along with her school bag so Kageyama could hold his ice cream cone with two hands. "Volleyball needs more than one person to play."

Maybe if Miwa explained why, then Kageyama wouldn't have restricted himself so much. Maybe if Miwa gave Kageyama proper words, then Kageyama wouldn't have taken her demand so seriously and branch out to the kids who seriously wanted to play with Kageyama. Maybe if Miwa wasn't trying to be a parent at the age of 16, then Kageyama would have grown up a little slower and had the childhood he deserved, and Miwa would have too.

"You can play with me," Miwa said, the two of them approaching their house eventually, Kageyama's ice cream almost finished. Miwa took the last bite after she was offered it. "I'll play with you. Just try to stay away from those kids, alright? Wait until I come pick you up."

Kageyama registered his sister's words, nodded, then ran inside to wash the sticky ice cream off his hands.

The next day at school Kageyama never found out how to play that DS game.

"So all you have to do is defeat it by slashing it without taking any hits, right?"

Watching Nishinoya lose to a piece of metal and plastic was already sad, almost laughable as he froze up in shock. The console looked oddly similar to literally every other gaming console that Kageyama has seen through windows and stores. He hasn't owned one though.

"It's easier said than done," Tanaka insisted, looking from Nishinoya's back to Kageyama. This was the first time Kageyama has seen the screen of a game so closely before, which may sound like a bluff, but it might have been true.

"Oh?" Kageyama grinned, chuckling deeply as he snatched the game away from Nishinoya's hands, the smaller not even noticing in his state of shock. "Good thing there's not much to say!" Which button started it again? Of course, the start button. Kageyama wasn't that hopeless.

After two rounds though, Kageyama realized he was hopeless.

"You suck at this too," Hinata grumbled making Kageyama groan in rage as he restarted the game. "Eh, it's just like volleyball," Daichi chuckled as they let Kageyama go for a third round as Kageyama screamed his heart out to the screen, Nishinoya still at the side, frozen with shock. 

Stupid game. If Kageyama had more practise, then just like volleyball, then certainly he could perfect it.

At the fifth loss, Tanaka started asking for his game back.

"I almost got it though," Kageyama scowled as he pressed the buttons harder because surely that would make him hit harder. "This round is mine! I know it is, just give me a sec-""Game Over!" A deflating voice declared, the screen going black as he lost again. Kageyama felt a weird bubbling in his chest, gripping the handles of the game till his knuckles turned red and the clear indication of failure right there in his hands.

"Again!" Kageyama felt his throat tearing as he screamed, pressing 'Start Over' for seventh time. "I'll beat it this time, I swear!""Oi, Kageyama, you're gonna drain my battery, ya know?" Tanaka snatched the device out of Kageyama's hands quickly and put it in his bag. "You ended up playing it for a long time! It's probably about to die sometime soon!"

At first, Kageyama was just out of breath. He was panting softly, thinking about how a bunch of pixilated figures were affecting him this heavily, how he wanted to smash that stupid console into little bits of electric shreds and make sure they know who's the real boss. It was a game. A simple, skill set game that Kageyama was sure he could beat if he was just given one more chance at it.

"It's not that big of a deal," Hinata scoffed, crossing his arms and jutting his chin out. "Besides, you won't even get it if you played a hundred more rounds. Your hot head would burn you before you could."  
"Hah?!" Kageyama raged, looking down at Hinata and shaking a fist at him. "Say that again, you shrimp-head shorty.""I'll say it a hundred times, you giant freak of nature!"

As usual, Kageyama and Hinata fought. Nothing new, nothing special. Daichi, Sugawara and Asahi laughed it off, Tanaka and Nishinoya went back to goofing off without the need of a game to get a discussion going.  
And the game was left for Kageyama to wonder about, if really he just needed more time to play it in order to beat it.

"Games like that are meant to be unbeatable," Daichi reassured Kageyama, as the intersection where everyone split up started to approach. "Even if you get worked up over it, it won't submit to you like that. Besides, it's just a game. No need to get so pumped."  
"Clearly you don't know Kageyama then," Sugawara mumbled, Daichi nudging him in the gut so that he wouldn't say it louder.

For Kageyama though, it wasn't just the game that made him lose control. The whole idea was so simple, so straight forward that even an idiot like him didn't need much instruction. How was that thing played for fun when it just made his blood boil? The funky music and colourful characters only made his stomach plummet in a pit of despair, and call him over dramatic but Kageyama didn't think video games should even be a thing.

"Have you never played a game before or something?" Hinata asked, clearly mocking Kageyama for being so outraged. "You're acting like this is the first time you've ever lost to a robot. It's something even I can't beat."

When Kageyama didn't answer right away with a yell of 'of course it's not my first time!', the whole group of them stared at Kageyama, waiting for some sort of reply.

"Kageyama?" Daichi hummed, snapping Kageyama out of some sort of trance of his when he didn't even look like he was thinking about it. The mere hesitation was enough for the simple question to be answered.

"You've never played a video game before?" Nishinoya finally unfroze from his state, basically screaming the question in disbelief. "Before today?! You're kidding!"  
"Is it that surprising?" Kageyama rose his voice, Daichi quickly calming him down before the situation could escalate to more than it should be. "It's...not," Daichi interjected, Sugawara pulling Nishinoya back as well. "It's not even a big deal, Kageyama. Nishinoya's just being dramatic."

Right. It wasn't a big deal. It wasn't a big deal that Kageyama was never interested in video games, especially the ones that looked like it was a two player game. It never bothered Kageyama that while new consoles and PCs were coming out, he was alone in the backyard of his grandpa's house throwing a volleyball around and running through the grass like a normal kid. And Kageyama has never thought about joining a circle of friends to watch one small screen race through a colourful track of changing roads, only to back out because he was scared of getting pushed out again.

No. It wasn't a big deal.

"Kageyama?" Hinata waved a hand in front of him, snapping Kageyama out of his trance. "Hm?" Kageyama looked around, everyone staring at him in some sort of concern or curiosity. Kageyama didn't even notice Yamaguchi and Tsukishima joining the group halfway through.

"Oh," Kageyama blinked slowly, turning to see the street lights have just turned on. "I have to get home. Hinata-boke, you coming or not?"

No one commented on the way Kageyama lost sight of the conversation, nor corrected him when Kageyama made Hinata walk beside him even though the intersection was where him and Hinata split up. Hinata followed along, knowing there was a long way to get home from Kageyama's house.

"Playing video games are overrated anyway," Hinata said beside Kageyama, keeping up with his quickly paced steps as they walked towards Kageyama's house. "You don't need to play them in order to be cool. Volleyball is the coolest game anyway!"

Kageyama didn't say anything as they walked, letting Hinata babble on and on about how the video game was stupidly made in the first place, Tanaka wasted his money on it and Nishinoya was wasting his energy in a lesser important when he should be practising with Hinata on how to receive like he does. Kageyama blanked out again, mindlessly walking through the pathway that his body was familiar enough with that he didn't even need to pay attention to anymore.

What was Kageyama even thinking about at this point? He was long over losing the game, he even forgot what buttons to press in order to hit. It wasn't about the console itself and Kageyama's lack of it. He's never actively thought about wanting a video game, though from time to time when he passed by a shop or two he would look at the shiny, newest model and admire it from afar, but he's always known he was never going to buy one.  
There was still something bothering him about it though, something that Kageyama was unfamiliar with and didn't know what to do about.

"Oi, boke," Kageyama called out, stopping right in front of his house. It seemed like Hinata knew to exactly where to stop. 

"Hm?" Hinata looked up at him, blinking like a child waiting for instructions. Kageyama didn't realize that Hinata walked all the way with him up to his house when his own was literally on the other side of the neighbourhood.

"You didn't get to play Tanaka's game. Are you alright with that?"

The question made Hinata's face distort with confusion, unsure how to respond but Kageyama looked like he was waiting for an answer. "What?" Hinata spit out immediately when Kageyama didn't look like he was joking. Kageyama didn't joke at all though, so Hinata wasn't sure what exactly what he was expecting.

"The game," Kageyama repeated impatiently. "I played it for so many rounds. You didn't ask for it once," he clarified, a scratching in his memory making him itch harder. "Didn't you want to play it? At least once? You know, try and beat me?"

Hinata opened his mouth then closed it, so close to bursting in laughter. So close, but Kageyama's face was serious that it made the whole mood serious with him. Was Kageyama being for real? Or was he mocking Hinata?

"I can just ask Tanaka-san tomorrow, or even," Hinata shrugged, getting all flustered with such a straightforward question until he realized - this was _Kageyama._ Whatever was going on in his mind, Hinata could probably just talk to him like normal, no need to get so worked up over a little bit of serious talking. They talked seriously all the time, there wasn't a need for consideration right now even if their seriousness was towards something other than volleyball.

"What's with that though? You looked like you were having fun so I let you! Thank me or whatever, but it's not that big a deal."  
"But no one stopped me," Kageyama insisted with frustration. "No one told me it was their turn. Weren't you waiting or something? I was on that thing for at least 10 rounds." Hinata was utterly puzzled now, not sure where Kageyama was coming from.

"What do you want me to say?" Hinata flailed his hands around. "You want me to get mad for not giving me a turn to play? I'm not 8!"  
"So you don't like playing games?"  
"I didn't say that-" Hinata huffed in frustration, shaking his head and waving a hand dismissively to Kageyama. "Just say properly what's on your mind or else I won't know. God, you're so hard to understand sometimes."

Kageyama's eyes widened slightly, taking a step to the side as he felt a tug towards his front door. Inwardly, Kageyama realized what was wrong and what was bothering him. It was something Hinata couldn't fix.

"Go home," Kageyama scowled, turning completely, walking up the trail of his house. "Your face is pissing me off."

Hinata choked on his spit, not fast enough to grab Kageyama and demand what he meant by that. Something like how dare Kageyama say such an insensitive statement when all Hinata was trying to do was empathize with him and understand his thought process. That's what friends do, right? They were there for each other and it would definitely build team strength when the time came and Hinata needed to understand Kageyama.

Hinata and Kageyama were a duo after all. It wasn't weird to want to know everything about each other.

As Kageyama made it to his front door, he sighed loudly and kicked the door open with frustration, his chest shaking as he clutched it.

"...dumb," Kageyama crouched down, the door shutting on it's own as Kageyama covered his face with his arms, feeling a pang on the back of his head, thinking about Nishinoya's face when he found out Kageyama didn't play video games, Daichi's forced reassurance and Hinata's persistence to make him feel normal.

"I'm so dumb."

\- * - * -

_At age 13_

Kageyama thought him and Kunimi were best friends. Kindaichi was a good friend too, but him and Kunimi were similar enough that Kageyama just assumed that they got alone well. And it wasn't a lie, him and Kunimi did talk to each other and related in terms of being the same age and a few interests.

But the word 'friend' apparently changed as you got older, no less adding 'best' to it.

"Geez," Kunimi sighed softly as the last toss of the set ended and Kageyama looked back at an empty space with no one there to hit his ball. It wasn't a critical hit. It wasn't a groundbreaking move. Kitagawa was winning, Kageyama was in the lead.

Even if no one hit it, Kageyama was still the best.

"What's even the point of playing," Kindaichi mumbled beside him as the whistle blew. That stupid green team earned another point getting them to 10 while Kitagawa was standing with a 23. It was obvious who was going to win, and yet the opposing team looked so ecstatic to get that obviously given point. 

Kageyama's eyes shook as he looked at the empty space behind him, gulping hard.

"Win by yourself then if you're so good," Kunimi grumbled after, all of them going to the back of the court as far away from Kageyama as possible and now, Kageyama was shaking. In the middle of the game, how could they let their hurt feelings take over so easily like that?

Kageyama should have taken the hint when even after the game, no one was talking to him. He thought they would get over it but not even Kageyama was happy with the outcome and how they won to such a weak team as they did. It wasn't even a challenge, if Kageyama was allowed to play by himself then he probably would have ended up winning on his own. Even if Kageyama didn't set to anyone, he could have done it.

"Next time we need to earn all of the points," Kageyama said, trying to get the topic of volleyball back so at least Kunimi and Kindaichi would look at him, be present with him. "That dumb team caught up to 10. It should have been 10 points faster that we won." It was basically insulting that such an experienced opponent would take points like that, 10 times just to add to the humiliation.

"If Kunimi, you would just be there when I toss to you it wouldn't have ended up that way," Kageyama went on aggressively. "As a setter I rely on you. If you're not there then there's no point in playing. You might as well quit the team." It was advice. Why do something you don't enjoy if you weren't going to give it your all.

"I like volleyball," Kunimi mumbled under his breath. "I just don't like playing with you."  
"Even professionals can't help who's on their team!" Kageyama bellowed, stopping the whole team from walking to the bus stop, the sun setting slowly. Kageyama didn't know that he was lucky enough to even have the team wait up for him so they could walk together.

"I'm the setter. It's the most important player on the team," Kageyama wasn't lying as he said it and maybe that's what made it so irritating. "Whether or not you like how I play, you need to learn how to adjust. I made those sets perfect for you to hit. You should be able to hit them-"

"It's not _how_ you play," Kunimi huffed, louder than his usual calm tone so it startled Kageyama a bit. Instead of backing off, noticing how pissed off Kunimi was, it urged Kageyama to go on about how they could improve.

"Oi, Kageyama," Kindaichi intervened when he noticed the heat starting to rise between the two of them. "Don't you think you're being too much right now? We won, didn't we? Now we should just look on how to improve as a team."  
"That's what I'm saying! That's why I'm telling you two that if I toss the ball at a perfect distance with a perfect angle then that should be your cue to hit it! Not just walk away because we're more than double the points ahead. How pitiful is that."

Kunimi smacked Kindaichi on the back of his head, nodding his head towards Kageyama and giving him a look that Kageyama couldn't understand. It didn't make sense that no one was appreciating Kageyama's advice, not even listening properly to what he had to say. They were going to play volleyball with each other for a long time, weren't they? They should be practising themselves for high school and beyond.

"Kageyama," Kindaichi sighed as he looked away from Kunimi. "We get that you're good and love volleyball. But really, you can't just shout at us for not being able to hit a toss once in a while. Missing isn't uncommon. We're going to mess up."  
"Professionals don't mess up," Kageyama argued and Kunimi for the first time spit out the nastiest laugh.

"See?! He doesn't get it!" Kunimi laughed harder, but it wasn't because anything was funny. The whole team was staring at Kunimi and Kageyama now, even Kindaichi wasn't sure what to do anymore. So he stepped back, letting Kunimi turn to Kageyama. Even if there was a distinct height difference, Kunimi didn't look like he cared. The teachers and staff were long gone and Kageyama was watching as the street lights were starting to turn on slowly with the sun going down.

"He'll never get it. The only thing on his mind is a stupid ball getting tossed around," Kageyama looked down at Kunimi as he spoke, about to reply with his usual blunt replies but this time Kunimi was quicker.

"From the way you talk to the way you toss, it's dripping with arrogance, you know that?" Kunimi gritted his teeth, his cheek puffing out when he saw Kageyama's stupid blank face, too honest that Kunimi didn't even need to be told that Kageyama didn't get what he was saying. "I don't care if we win, I don't care if we lose. I don't care if _I_ lose. But you, Kageyama," Kunimi lost the tension in his shoulders, taking a step back so he was back beside Kindaichi. Kageyama didn't notice, but once again it was his whole team on one side and Kageyama alone in front of them, like an invisible line was between them making it impossible for either of them to cross.

"You take the fun out of volleyball."

Nobody noticed as Kageyama went on a different bus, mostly because no one knew where Kageyama lived in the first place. No one ever thought to go to his house and play because they all knew he would just end up asking them to play volleyball.

This bus though, the one Kageyama took that specific day, it didn't go home. It went somewhere even better.

"What a nice surprise," Kazuyo Kageyama greeted his grandson with a bright smile and wave, the hospital scent becoming more numb to Kageyama's senses the more he visited this place. It was a clean place for his grandpa so he didn't mind it. He just wished all those stupid wires weren't connected to him so that they could play volleyball together again.

"You had a volleyball game today, huh? How did it go?"  
"I won," Kageyama replied as he sat down on his usual chair beside his grandpa.

"You mean 'we' won," his grandpa quickly corrected him as he sat up, using the fancy buttons on the side of the hospital bed to help him. "Volleyball is a team sport. It's impossible to say 'I' won. Unless you're playing one-on-one."  
"I basically did," Kageyama shrugged, taking his bag off and taking out a VCR of the latest recorded volleyball game of the national men's team his sister recorded for him the other day. "Let's watch this together."

Kozuyo gave his grandson a look, one that didn't look too different to his other expressions anymore now that his wrinkles increased an his eyes looked more hazy these days even if his words were lively. Why did his grandson look so unbothered all the time but for some reason kept visiting like nothing in the world was wrong? Did he not know that Kozuyo, his dear grandfather, was in the hospital for a reason? Or was that something else Kageyama just chose to ignore.

"What do you mean you played one-on-one. Was this a practise game?"  
"No," Kageyama answered shortly as he took out his bentou box Miwa made for him today, but because of how distracted he was on the bus he forgot to eat it. "It was a normal game. They didn't like how I played though so for the last few points I was on my own. I-We still won though, I guess," Kageyama shrugged again, stuffing a few bits of clementine in his mouth before offering his grandpa some. "Want?"

Kozuyo raised an eyebrow at the story, observing his grandson carefully. He didn't look like he cared about having to win on his own, or at least his team not wanting to help him win. And he certainly didn't indicate any remorse for those other players.

Should he be worried right now?

"Tobio," Kozuyo said in a deep voice, getting Kageyama's attention right away. "Why do you play volleyball?" The question took Kageyama back a bit, especially since he was sure him and his grandpa played for the same reason.

"I play to get better," Kageyama answered simply, cheek full of clementine. "I have to get better. That's the point." His grandpa sighed, almost in disappointment but Kageyama wouldn't know.

"Is that the only reason?" Kozuyo tried asking again, watching as the boy stuffed his mouth next with slices of apples Miwa cut up into thick slices with the seeds carved out because Kageyama would forget to take them out himself. Kageyama blinked a few times.

"Should there be another reason?"

Sighing again, Kozuyo took an apple slice from Kageyama's bentou box, taking a bite out of it and chewing slowly. He was giving Kageyama time to think about it. When there was no other response, Kozuyo swallowed the apple piece, now in a much slower pace than he used to be able to.

"Getting better at volleyball is important. That's why you practise frequently, right?" Kageyama nodded, still in the unknown about what the point was. "No matter what, there will always be someone to beat you. That person will make you push yourself till your heart gives out. You might get frustrated and you might want to give up-"  
"I'll never give up." Kozuyo laughed and nodded.

"Well, you might feel tired. You might feel like improvement is out of your reach and think to yourself, 'man. I just can't beat this guy'. But then there'll come a day when finally you notice your thighs have grown a few centimetres and your hands have bulked up. Your arms are no longer sore and you're thinking a lot quicker. And that's when you'll know you've done it. You became better."

Kageyama looked at his grandpa with wide eyes as he kept talking, not fully understanding but whatever his grandpa said always had so much to learn from. Every word sent chills down his spine even if Kageyama couldn't process the true meaning at the young age of 13.

"That improvement, reaching those goals - that's what makes volleyball _fun_."

Kageyama didn't say anything in response, which was expected by his grandpa. Instead he held up the VCR to him, giving Kageyama a small smile and patting his head softly. Before he could offer Kageyama if he wanted to watch it, Kageyama was looking down at his bentou.

"Does that mean I should apologize to Kunimi for making it not fun for him?"

His grandpa's eyes widened at Kageyama's realization and question, almost tearing up. Even if he didn't know what happened at the game, the feelings Kageyama sheered were enough to let him know that this apology might mean Kageyama's friendships would last a lifetime.

"I think that's a good idea," Kozuyo grinned, ruffling Kageyama's hair. "I'm sure your friend Kunimi-kun would appreciate that very much."

The next day at school no one sat beside Kageyama during lunch. When Kageyama tried talking to Kunimi again Kunimi would pretend he didn't hear and start talking to Kindaichi like nothing happened. During practise Kunimi wouldn't hit for Kageyama anymore and Kindaichi wasn't defending him or trying to keep the peace. At first Kageyama thought they were still cooling down from the last game until his coach sat him down and explained he would sit out for the next couple of games, just until the team's momentum was brought up once more.

That weekend Kageyama Kozuyo passed away and Kageyama missed his first volleyball game as a benchwarmer.

"I'm here, Kageyama!"

Whenever Kageyama looked back, there was no one. 

Now that a beautiful creature spread it's wings wide enough to soar across the court just to meet him, how was Kageyama's world supposed to remain the same colour?

"Nice!" Nishinoya snapped Kageyama out of his trance, looking around the court and on the other side where Yamaguchi and Tsukishima were on the floor trying to receive the ball Hinata hit with full force. Of course no one got it, but there was still a rush of accomplishment Kageyama never knew was impossible to explain.

"Yes!" Hinata cheered, pumping a fist in the air with a jump, unclenching his hand to look down at it. "Did you see that, Kageyama? Wasn't it amazing?"

Kageyama blinked at him, looking away quickly. If anyone asked that flushed face wasn't anything but the hot room and blood rushing to his cheeks. "I guess," Kageyama grumbled making Hinata irritated to the point of a fight and Kageyama didn't hesitate fighting back.

That was when it started, at least. When Kageyama started to find out he wasn't alone on the court any longer. That not only Hinata was behind him, but 5 other players relying on each other to keep that ball off the ground.

"Kageyama!" Nishinoya screamed when the setter tossed the ball up and got the libero to hit the ball hard to the other side of the court. Kageyama could feel Oikawa on the other side of the court glaring bullets through his eyes like it was going to shoot holes through him.

"We got this guys!" Daichi screamed from his side of the court, the blood pumping in Kageyama's veins as he started to think about how someone was finally there to hit, Hinata or any other. When he looked at the other side of the court and saw former teammates, he didn't feel bitterness or vengeance. His goal wasn't specifically to beat them, it never was. It's to get the most points, earn them and steal them away.

Two very different things.

From winning the Seijoh game to the Shiratorizawa game to the training camp, Kageyama has experienced various different teams, each with different skill sets and techniques that Kageyama has only ever learned from. He's met different setters that made him grow, never once wavering his position on the court. The teamwork he's been experiencing ever since then, Kageyama has only learned more and more.

"Oi, Kageyama!" Hoshiumi called out from the entrance of the building the training camp took place, another full day of practising over and Kageyama was just planning to go out for proper air. Staying stuffed in a gym full of sweat for over 12 hours, even Kageyama would notice.

"Kageyama-kun!" Hoshiumi called out again, this time actually making Kageyama turn around to see Hoshiumi standing there with Atsumu, waving his hand frantically around to get his attention, which Kageyama didn't really need. "Oh, he looked! Kageyama-kun, where're you heading?"

Kageyama stayed still as he watched Atsumu and Hoshiumi walk towards him, both of them changed out of their 'gym clothes', Atsumu's hair still wet as well. Did Kageyama drop something on the way out? Maybe they wanted to talk about the math a little longer. Atsumu and Kageyama definitely did well together, and Hoshiumi proved to be an opponent not worth looking down on.

"So?" Hoshiumi asked as they both made it up to Kageyama, Kageyama tightening his grip on his bag. Maybe he could get a shower in before dinner then go to sleep right away. His muscles needed to relax. "Where are you heading?"

Taken back by the question a bit seeing how it wasn't either of their business, Kageyama looked around to see if there was anyone else around. When he confirmed it was them, Kageyama answered simply. "Just for a walk. Why? What did you need?"  
"Eh? Nothing. We were gonna ask if you wanted to get something from the vending machine with us," Hoshiumi stretched his arms over his head, nodding his head into the distance, just across the pathway where the vending machine was. The drinks were probably the same as what they had inside, but the walking there was what made it worth it.

"It's not a lot of steps," Kageyama stated, Atsumu watching in amusement as Kageyama fidgeted rather awkwardly. "I was just getting air anyway. You can go without me."

"Don't be like tha', Tobio-kun," Atsumu grinned, putting an arm around Kageyama's shoulder and almost forcing him to walk in the direction of the vending machine. "Teamwork stems outside of a game, ya know? C'mon, it's not even 5 minutes ya gonna be with us, yeah? Kourai-kun, let's go.""Yeah!"

Kageyama stiffened under Atsumu's arm, not sure how to react to the contact. It wasn't the same as when Sugawara touched him and it certainly wasn't as soft as when Yachi massaged his shoulders after a hard set. Atsumu's arm was stronger, forceful. Like he knew that Kageyama was going to walk in the direction he told him to now that they were off the court. But even on the court, he was too honest that Atsumu had a general idea without talking to him of what kind of person Kageyama was.

"What drink do you want, Miya-san?"  
"Anything, I guess," Atsumu shrugged, arm still around Kageyama as they made it to the vending machine, truly under five minutes. Kageyama looked out, watching as the sun made it all the way down from the horizon, gone so that tomorrow it could shine even brighter.

"What about you, Kageyama-kun?" Hoshiumi asked after pressing for two orange juices. "You want anything?" Kageyama was taken back a bit by the offer, still unsure of what the intention was with these two and why they were together with Kageyama. They played their game, they did their part in the practise. Why did they continue on being beside him?

"I don't...no," Kageyama ended up saying which earned a hard hit on the back from Atsumu. "Don't be modest! Kourai-kun, get'im a milk box or somethin'.""One milk box coming right up," Hoshiumi hummed happily as he pressed the button, slotting down his change. Kageyama almost pushed him.

"Oi! You could've tried getting two!" Kageyama exclaimed, squirming out of Atsumu's grip, but the milk and orange juices were already out. "Agh! You missed it! You press both milk buttons at the same time and you could get two if you do it right! Try again!" Kageyama huffed, squishing his hand in his pocket and taking out a few yen, slotting it in the vending and starting it up again. When it gave him the option to choose, Kageyama took a deep breath as he took his middle and index finger, positioning them properly to press the buttons at the same time. Sucking in air, Kageyama pressed.

"Yeah!" Kageyama cheered when the two milk cartons fell from their place, something that didn't happen too often but he was glad that it meant he wouldn't look like a fool in front of Atsumu and Hosiumi. "There! That's how you do it!"

When Kageyama turned around and saw Hoshiumi and Atsumu staring at him, jar slightly slacked open, Kageyama felt a weird tinge in the back of his mind telling him that he was even more stupid than a 0 on a paper. An odd feeling, really, because Kageyama once learned not to care about how people thought about him. He would go about his days without a care, passing by in the most normal way as possible and as long as no one talked to him he was fine.  
Now that his worked up self was showing, he felt like everything that just happened was so unnecessary and could easily blame stupid Hoshiumi for calling out his name.

"That was cool!" Hoshiumi exclaimed, taking the milks from the drop slot and showing Atsumu. "Oi, Miya-san! Look at what Kageyama-kun did! Look at it! Isn't it cool!""Yeah," Atsumu said slowly, almost spitting out a laugh. Eventually, he did. "Yeah, I saw."

Kageyama didn't talk on the way back to the building. Now that the youths were finished with their training, the professionals were their, doing their own practise. Kageyama couldn't help but stare in admiration.

"How long do ya think it would take before one of 'em noticed Tobio-kun has a crush on 'em," Atsumu joked, sucking on the straw of his orange juice, Kageyama also drinking his milk angrily when he thought about those players working their hearts out for a position Kageyama would bleed for. No, angry wasn't the right word to describe how Kageyama was feeling right now - pent up; passionate. On _fire._

At the thought of being one of those adults who were playing a game for the whole world to see, to train in an arena and make the top of the world your home. Kageyama's whole body vibrated at the thought of doing it, achieving those goals. How great that would be.

"Tobio-kun, ya look like yer 'bout to shit yerself," Atsumu let out an airy laugh, clapping Kageyama's back and pushing him in the other direction towards the rooms. "Let the adults play while the kids rest. Man, those guys are truly somethin' to stare at though."  
"Stare at, learn from," Hoshiumi shrugged, pumping a fist as he clenched around a now empty box of orange juice. Kageyama gave him one of the milks next. "Those guys are a standard. I'm gonna show what I can really do once I learn it all! I'll be on the top of the world at that point!"

Kageyama didn't show it, but his heart thumped hearing such a declaration. One so similar to his, and yet their thoughts so far away. It couldn't truly be Hoshiumi _and_ Kageyama that would stand on the number one stage together.

"Ya say that when I'm right 'ere. 'M a bit hurt, Kourai-kun," Atsumu laughed, the three of them approaching the rooms, about to separate their own ways so they could go freshen up, take showers or baths and get the sweat and hard work off from the day.

"Oi, Kageyama-kun. Meet here after, alright?" Hoshiumi demanded, pointing to the spot the three of them stood at, finishing up the box of milk next and crushing it with his hands, a few of the last drops slipping out. "After you shower and stuff. Meet right here."  
"Why?" Kageyama asked, giving Hoshiumi a blank stare. "We'll see each other in the canteen later anyway. I don't need to wait for you."

Both Hoshiumi and Atsumu looked at each other, like they weren't sure what to say to Kageyama after that, and for a moment Kageyama was considering just turning away and walking. But t was Atsumu who stopped him from doing such a thing, giving Kageyama a quick, cheeky smirk.

"'Why'? Because we asked ya to, Tobio-kun," Atsumu hummed, patting Hoshiumi on the back so that they could go their own way. "And we're here to build team morale. Not just get better at a sport."

Before Kageyama could correct him by saying something like 'yes, we are here to get better at sport. We're here to get better at volleyball', Atsumu and Hoshiumi were already half down the hallway, pushing at each other and discussing very loudly what they should have for dinner. Kageyama didn't even get a chance to tell Atsumu and Hoshiumi that he wanted to make a phone call first before going down for dinner.

Alas, Kageyama was contemplating whether he should actually wait there for them. He didn't think it was a trick or anything, but would they actually be there like they said they'd be? Or maybe the timings would get messed up and they'd think Kageyama wasn't going to wait for them. Perhaps Kageyama should just go to their end of the rooms and wait for them there. But maybe they'd think Kageyama was too eager and that would mess up the plan too.

This was why Kageyama didn't like meeting up with people. Even if they were in the same building it was still so complicated.

_From : Hinata Shouyou_

_How's the training camp? Did you meet any good hitters?_

_To : Hinata Shouyou_

_Yeah._

_From : Hinata Shouyou_

_Can you add a face or something? Your replies are hard to reply to!_

_To : Hinata Shouyou_

_Don't reply then._

Kageyama decided to wait for Hoshiumi and Atsumu at that spot Hoshiumi told him too. It didn't take long for Kageyama to take a shower especially since everyone else went ahead and showered before him. He was able to wash his hair thoroughly and relax his muscles in the hot water, feeling them loosen up so tomorrow he'd be ready for another good session. Possibly, Kageyama would be even better tomorrow then he was today.

Five minutes went by. Then ten. Around the fifteen mark, Kageyama started to fidget, walking around the hallway slowly. A few other members of the youth camp would pass by him, some nodding to Kageyama as a small greeting and others just passing by, probably wondering what kind of person would just be mindlessly walking around the hallway in circles with no destination.

Where was Hoshiumi? Where was Atsumu? Were they still in the baths? Or maybe they were already at dinner because Kageyama took longer than he thought. But since Hoshiumi told him to wait here he should be waiting here. They'd come for him.

When Kageyama looked both ways and noticed no one was coming, he started to sweat. Unknowingly. Subconsciously. Kageyama didn't have any other their numbers so he couldn't text them. Even if he did have their numbers though, he didn't bring his phone around usually so he wouldn't even have that way of communicating with them. Even though he told Hinata he couldn't call him that night because he didn't want to be charged an extra 500 yen on his phone bill just to hear Hinata blabber on about nonsense, Kageyama felt like he should have at least asked what time they would meet at this spot so he could have asked for their number in case.

Maybe they thought Kageyama wasn't actually going to come. Maybe Atsumu was just teasing him again and Hoshiumi was on it as well. It didn't hurt, it didn't bother Kageyama all that much. It was just bothersome.

Yes. Bothersome. Annoying.

Sighing, Kageyama got up from the floor, exactly 27 minutes having passed by. Kageyama's stomach was growling at this point and he decided that if Hoshiumi and Atsumu were playing a prank on him he wouldn't let it affect the practise tomorrow. They probably just wanted a reaction out of him like Tsukishima did. Kageyama wouldn't give them that satisfaction though, since this whole trip was just for volleyball.

"Kageyama-kun! Sorry we made you wait!"

Kageyama's neck almost snapped with how fast he turned to see Atsumu and Hoshiumi walking towards him, the two of them with towels on their heads and lounge wear on. "Someone used up all the hot water so we had to wait for ours to boil. Did you wait long?"

Kageyama didn't say anything at first, not sure what the feeling inside him was. It wasn't relief. It wasn't even anger that they were so late despite his preference of yelling at them to learn punctuality.

"Oi, what're ya lookin' at, Tobio-kun?" Atsumu chuckled as he pushed Kageyama on the back. "Got lonely waitin' on yer own then?"

Was it that? Maybe. 

"Sorry, Kageyama-kun," Hoshiumi laughed to himself like the funniest joke was told. "But it's really a shock you'd wait for us! Even I would have just came to see what's the problem. Gosh, you really are obedient."  
"A true goody-two-shoes on and off the court," Atsumu teased him for real this time, patting Kageyama on the head like a kid. Kageyama scowled, aiming to smack Atsumu on the hand but he dodged it like he was used to it.

"Don't worry, Kageyama-kun. If we didn't want to eat with you we wouldn't have followed you outside," Hoshiumi explained as the three of them made it to the canteen, most of the other youths in the middle of dinner or cleaning up their tables already. Kageyama's stomach growled again making both Hoshiumi and Atsumu laugh.

"Since we're all here though, let's eat well! Thanks for waiting for us, Kageyama-kun," Hoshiumi said before racing to the line, something Kageyama would have done if maybe Hinata was there, but Atsumu held him back. It didn't even matter if he ran anyway, there would be enough food for them.

"Yeah, Tobio-kun," Atsumu hummed, taking an empty tray at the start of the line and handing it to Kageyama. He took it with a nod of thanks. Like Atsumu predicted, his face was too honest that even someone who hasn't talked to Kageyama for a long time was able to tell what he was thinking.

"No need to be so uptight all the time. It's training, but you're also meeting people," Atsumu chuckled pushing him further in the line. For the first time, Kageyama looked up at his face properly. He's seen that cocky smirk somewhere, maybe one too many times. 

"You don't need to worry. We're right here."

\- * - * -

_At age 15_

Miwa cooked dinner for four people for the first time. Since Miwa had just turned 23 and was at the age of moving out, Kageyama was used to meals alone. It was a dark, cold, snowy night when their parents came and request for a hot meal. Kageyama didn't ask when Miwa told him to have dinner at exactly 8 PM.

"Studies are good, I'm sure, Tobio," his mother said stiffly, but Kageyama wasn't really paying attention as he mushed the rice together to create a ball before stuffing it in his mouth. He didn't hate his sister's cooking and in fact enjoyed it very much. But tonight, it tasted off.

"He's passing," Miwa answered sharply for him. "That's what matters. He wants to play volleyball anyway.""You're still on that sport, huh?" His dad this time sighed, shaking his head as if he were disappointed, as if he knew how Kageyama played. "You're wasting away your life chasing a dream. You know what happens to those who strive to go into such an industry, don't you, Tobio?"

Maybe if Kageyama didn't answer, then they'd go away.

"What about you, Miwa. Do you have someone you want to marry?"

Kageyama knew the answer to this, but it wasn't his question to reply to. If Miwa had time to date then Kageyama wouldn't be spending his extra time that was meant to go into studying, instead practising volleyball.

"No," Miwa gritted her teeth in a way that Kageyama just had to ignore. "I don't. And I don't plan on marrying anytime soon. Not until Tobio finishes high school and I know where he's going." Was that fair? Even Kageyama wasn't sure where he was going to get sent.

"You're 23 already. You shouldn't be looking after your brother. He's old enough to look after himself."  
"How would-" 'you know that?' but Miwa held it in.

"Tobio, you can look after yourself, can't you? Are you a man?" Kageyama didn't know how to respond to that, the question was too quick. He's never been threatened towards his masculinity before and he certainly didn't think that 'taking care of yourself' didn't make you a man. Miwa could take care of herself and Kageyama and she was a very strong, independent woman. So how was he supposed to respond?

"He's a kid," Miwa spat. She barely touched her rice while Kageyama was half finished his plate. "He can't be expected to do everything himself. There's no one to sign his papers, no one fill out his forms. He needs a guardian to come to his interviews."  
"Those aren't mandatory," their mom insisted, pushing her chopsticks away from the plate. She too, didn't look like she touched her food. "Tobio can get by just fine. We're worried that you might not find someone to look after you while we're away."  
"Look after _me-_ "

Miwa didn't breath for a few seconds. Kageyama kept his eyes on his plate. There was a small voice inside his head telling him he should speak up. 

"Tobio is doing perfectly fine with me," Miwa said in a calm voice, like usual. Even if the cashier was mean to Miwa, or a customer at the salon she was working part time at was screaming at her for not using organic conditioner, or when she came to the parent teacher interviews at school and the math teachers would literally bash Kageyama's intelligence and explain that Miwa was doing a terrible job looking after him, Miwa was calm.  
Maybe that's why Kageyama always got angry easily. Because all that calm went to Miwa and Kageyama raged it out for her.

"We can see that," their mom said with a hint of sarcasm in her voice. "Is that why the teachers call us to inform that Tobio has failed his fifth math exam of the school year?" Kageyama winced a bit, scowling under his breath. He thought they would call the home phone, not thinking they'd actually track down his parents.

"He's studying. He's doing his best."  
"His best is making him fail," Kageyama's mom's voice was hard, making Kageyama shiver even though he was wearing a hoodie. "If he doesn't up his grades soon we have to take him out of curricular clubs and send him to cram school. Curricular clubs include volleyball, Tobio."  
"No!" It was the first time Kageyama spoke that night.

"He's not quitting volleyball," Miwa's voice was harsh. Sharp. "Tobio will get a tutor if his grades are so important. He'll get straight A's.""Miwa-nee-san-""Shush," Miwa stopped him before he could enter the argument as well.

"His grades _are_ important," their dad said with a tut, looking at his son then at Miwa, probably wondering what happened and why he was so babied so much. Maybe if they were around a little bit more they'd know just how much Miwa loved her brother and how much her brother wanted to make her proud.

"That's why your mother and have decided that we'll start working in Miyagi again. With the two of you. Miwa, if you don't want to find a husband then you'll be living under our roof, one we pay for."

Kageyama wasn't sure what the big deal was. His parents did technically own the house and if they didn't talk to each other then it wouldn't be a big deal, shouldn't be a big deal. Miwa could even stop with overtime shifts which would be good for everyone.

"Fine," Miwa said with a cold tone, putting her chopsticks to the side, containing the urge to slam them down. "You can work here again and take care of Tobio like how you were suppose to."  
"Don't take that tone with us, Miwa."  
"I'm not a child anymore either! I never was and now I'm really not! Tobio is and Tobio needs someone to follow, so that's what I was doing."

You weren't supposed to scream at your parents. Miwa didn't scream. What was wrong with today that made the food taste so bad?

"Miwa, don't you raise your voice at us-"  
"Tobio doesn't pass because I'm not here to help him with his homework. Do you think it's easy finding a job right out of high school? College isn't cheap either. Do you think Tobio's sports scholarship will be enough? What if they want him to go abroad?"  
"Oh, that won't happen," his dad said like it was the truest thing in the world. "Tobio isn't going anywhere. He'll get that fantasy out of his head once he realizes how hard the real world is. It'll make sense then."

Miwa's face went red, the usual calmness leaving her body like a flush of water out of a dam. Was that why Kageyama was so calm? Because the rage was with Miwa now.

"If the last thing I see is Tobio getting on a professional team then so be it! He's going to be the greatest player in the world and nothing will stop him!"

That night, around 11 PM, Kageyama watched his sister taking one suitcase, sneaking out of her room as quietly as possible. Kageyama realized how lucky he was that he got thirsty right at that moment.

"Nee-san?"

Miwa gasped, flinching as she turned around and saw Kageyama tiredly scratching his eyes. "Where're you going, nee-san?" It was dark. The only light in the hallways were those from the windows. Kageyama couldn't see the face Miwa was making right now.

"Tobio," Miwa sighed softly, leaving her suitcase to the side as she walked towards Kageyama. He was taller than her now, by half a head and only growing faster. Miwa knew better than anyone else how far Kageyama has come.

"Our parents are here now, so I don't have to sign your forms anymore."  
"So you're just gonna leave?" Kageyama didn't look up, nor was his voice shaking like Miwa's. He was calm for a first, soft and gentle with his words because he didn't want to cut the relationship that was dangling by a thread.

If the Karasuno team were to hear him right now, would they believe this was the Kageyama they knew?

"You're old now, right, Tobio? You know I can't stay here anymore if they're here." Kageyama did know what she was saying and why. He was dumb, not stupid. And yet, despite being alone most of the time and independent, grocery shopping on his own since he was 10 and expected to talk to the landlords when Miwa wasn't home to explain that the rent money was in a safe only their parents could open and she didn't have enough to pay up front, Kageyama still wasn't used to Miwa treating him like an adult.

"They're here now," Miwa said and Kageyama noticed how she would always avoid the words 'mom' or 'dad'. "I know they're not ideal, but at least they'll be here for you now. And I will always be. I'm a phone call away. Just tell me you want me to come back and I'll sprint my fastest."  
"So if I tell you to stay now, would you?" It was a stupid question. Maybe it was because he was tired, but Kageyama asked anyway. Miwa gave him a sad smile.

"Oh, Tobio," Miwa went in for a hug. The next day Kageyama would have wished he hugged Miwa back. "You're my favourite brother, you know that?" Kageyama didn't feel her let go, but once he did Miwa was already walking down the stairs, suitcase rolling behind her and a back that Kageyama never thought he'd have to watch.

Miwa lied. The next day Kageyama's parents left at 5 in the morning to Brazil without a word or reason. Kageyama didn't make another phone call for a while.

"Kageyama, watch out!"

Even before the ball hit him Kageyama was already scowling, knowing from the voice and the sheer fear in their voice who it was. He wasn't fast enough, unfortunately, to dodge the inevitable coming volleyball, being hit straight on the back of the head hard. When he turned around glaring, Hinata was on the other side of the net, face covered with wide eyes and a giggling Yamaguchi and Tsukishima behind him.

"I-I was showing the first years how to aim! It was supposed to go beside-AH!" Kageyama was sprinting to the other side of the court, not making a sound even with his steps as his face turned red. Hinata let out a squeak as he started running around the gym, avoiding a possible homocide from the enraged setter.

"Okay everyone, it's time to pack-Hey, what's happening here?"  
"He's trying to kill me!" Hinata flailed his arms around, making it to the other side of the net as Kageyama slid under it, barely grabbing the collar of Hinata's shirt. "Kageyama's gonna eat me alive!"

Ennoshita sighed with disappointment as he waited it out, hoping the two of them would get tired of fooling around but was proven wrong when Tanaka and Nishinoya emerged from behind him, chasing after Kageyama this time.

"Shouyou, run while you can! We'll stop him!"  
"Noya-san!" Hinata cried out in happiness as he hid behind Yamaguchi and Tsukishima, looking between them. Kageyama was caught by Tanaka, holding him down and pinning his arms behind him. Kageyama tried to break out of his grip but Tanaka proved superior strength by biting him on the shoulder, Kageyama holding in a grunt so no one would know how much it actually hurt.

"I said sorry! You're so mean!" Hinata yelled from the other side of the gym which was a bad idea because the next thing Kageyama did was push Tanaka off of him and grab a volleyball from the closest bin, bouncing it hard to show Hinata how pumped it was. Hinata's face filled with fear, covering his face with his arms before Kageyama even had the chance to threaten to throw it at him.

Ennoshita was the one to stop the fight before it could escalate any further.

"Lunch time! Drinks on me!"

This got everyone's attention, even Kageyama's whose face softened up and put the ball down without thinking too much of it. Free drinks was always a good thing and Kageyama could appreciate a bit of a break.

"My goodness. Even in your second year you two are fighting like a mouse and cat! Doesn't it get old?" Tanaka scoffed, hitting Kageyama on the back lightly, Kageyama huffing a bit as he slanted his eyes at Hinata. Hinata just gave him a mocking peace sign.

"That little runt!"  
"Calm down! Captain's getting us free drinks so there's something to celebrate!" Nishinoya cheered, jumping on Kageyama's shoulder, which Kageyama has learned not to mind. "One drink per person," Ennoshita reminded them making both Tanaka and Nishinoya grumble.

"Whatever," Kageyama grumbled, putting the volleyball back in it's bin before following everyone else to the side exit of the gym where they usually ate their dinner since these days everyone, even the first years, were putting their strongest effort into getting stronger as a team. Kageyama didn't pay too much attention to the first years unless they were excruciatingly bad, but Ennoshita did a good job choosing them this year.

"Ah, I wished my mom would put more love into my meals," Hinata groaned as he opened up his bento to reveal some rice with three single sardines. "At least like last year. She said now that I'm a second year I have to start doing it myself."  
"Would you like it if I made you one, Hinata?" Yamaguchi offered, taking out two bentos and giving one to Tsukishima who was sitting next to him cross legged and not looking up. "I already make one for Tsukki and I! Another wouldn't hurt my routine."

Hinata looked like he wanted to say yes, face squeezing together. But when Tsukishima opened his bento cover to reveal a nicely prepared meal, chicken slices with cute little volleyball sticks at the end and sausages that were cut into little octopi, various other adorable accents that made the bento look like it was made with so much love, Hinata shook his head.

"I'm good," he didn't sound good, but Kageyama just opened his own bento, not bothering with Hinata's antics today. One hit on the head with the volleyball was enough anyway.

"Kageyama-san always has good food too!" One of the first years - Murashiki-something - pointed out loudly, pointing to Kageyama's bento. "It always looks so appetizing! Geez, no wonder he's so tall!"

Now that someone's pointed out, everyone was staring at Kageyama's bento and how good it actually did look. It wasn't cute like Yamaguchi's, no, but it was filled to the brim with rice and add ons, side dishes that had Kageyama filled with energy. Not only that but Kageyama had a container that stacked into three so he had even more food under it, and yet after every practise those same containers were scooped empty. Today, Kageyama had teriyaki chicken with colourful vegetables cut up in bite sizes to go with the salted rice. Even Nishinoya's and Tanaka's mouths were watering.

"So loved," Tanaka moaned in jealousy, looking down at his also half empty container since it moved a lot in his bag and all the food shifted to one side. "If Kiyoko-san were to make me a bento I'll be so happy! But she's so busy with school, I feel too bad!"

Everyone was watching as Kageyama started stuffing his face with food, appalled and amazed, all wondering the same thing. "Who's making your bentos for you?"

Kageyama chewed his food thoroughly, his cheeks un-puffing and swallowing smoothly, his Adam's apple bobbed up and down. Everyone was waiting for him to answer, Kageyama wasn't sure what they were expecting. 'Girlfriend'? 'Mother'? But those weren't the right answers either.

"I do," Kageyama said, taking another smaller bite this time so he could talk through chews. "I make them myself."

There was silence between the group of them for a bit except for Kageyama's chewing. He didn't notice that everyone was staring at him like a statue at a museum, Tanaka's mouth slacked slightly and Tsukishima raising an eyebrow.

Then, Hinata started laughing.

Not just a soft, disbelief laugh. Hard, loud, stomach holding laughing. It was followed by Nishinoya laughing, rolling on the ground, then Tanaka's. Ennoshita was staring at them while Yamaguchi joined uncomfortably and Tsukishima just stared. The first years didn't know what to do.

"Yo-You liar!" Hinata laughed harder, rolling beside Nishinoya now. "Making it yourself! Hah! I'm gonna pee my pants!" Kageyama looked at them, not understanding what was so funny until Hinata stood up, pointing at him accusingly.

"We know you have a sister, Kageyama! There's no need to lie about making a meal!"

Kageyama wasn't sure why, but he felt agitated when Hinata accused him of lying. That was stupid, there was no reason to lie about who was making his meals. Probably because it was Hinata that was accusing him is what made it more annoying.

"How can she make me my lunch when she's all the way in Tokyo, dumbass," Kageyama spit out, closing his bento so it wouldn't spill before standing up and getting read to fight. Hinata as well held up his hands in a ready defence position.

"Guys-"  
"Your mom then!" Hinata pressed, cutting Ennoshita off completely, like he wasn't satisfied with the fact that Kageyama was making his meals. "Or your dad. They're making your food for you. But there's no way someone like you is capable of making something edible!"

Kageyama wasn't sure why this was such a big deal, and not to mention he wasn't entirely sure why he was so worked up with the fact that Hinata didn't believe him for not cooking his own, delicious food. But something in his chest flipped, like he wanted to prove to everyone that it was him making his own food. It was him waking up at 5 AM before his morning jog just so he could cook the rice, run around the neighbourhood and by the time he came back the rice cooker had just dinged. It was Kageyama who used his savings just to buy good cooking books so he could learn how to make healthy meals that would boost his energy for the day, Kageyama who burns his fingers and has to learn first aid himself just so he can set again by the next day. Kageyama was the one doing the grocery shopping, buying a new pot every few months which he's learned the hard way he just needs to invest in because the Daiso dollar ones weren't good for stews, and learning that the best way to choose a watermelon was by the colour of the lighter greens, not the darker spots.

"Why would you be making your own food when you have parents to do that stuff! I know you're not capable of making that anyway, _Stupid-_ yama!" Hinata looked so proud of his joke, puffing his chest out. "It's not like you to lie about something so stupid though. I'm disappointed!"

Huffing in annoyance, Kageyama sat back down, closing his eyes. Ennoshita was right there, he didn't want him to bench Kageyama for attacking Hinata in broad daylight. Kageyama would hit Hinata later, but as of now, he wasn't risking it.

"Eh? Kageyama? Why're you-"  
"I live alone," Kageyama said curtly, opening his bento again and stuffing his mouth with another big bite of meat and rice and vegetables. Hopefully his arms would relax again with all the nutrients in his body. "I'm the only one who can make food in the house. If I don't learn how to feed myself I'll starve."

The rest of the went without fighting, surprisingly, even the first years who haven't known Kageyama and Hinata long knew that there was something wrong between them when Hinata hit a volleyball at Kageyama's legs and he didn't respond. Kinoshita was able to loosen the tension by starting up a game but Hinata and Kageyama were on different sides which meant that it was pretty fair game up till then. Yamaguchi was the one who broke the tension while they were walking home.

"Tsukki and I are gonna walk this way today." Usually the four of them were together until a certain intersection where they broke off, Tsukki and Yamaguchi walking together and Kageyama and Hinata walking separate ways.

The sun was already down. The street lights on and shining brightly.

"Eh? This is the long way thou-"  
"See you tomorrow, guys! Don't forget, Ennoshita-san said a short practise tomorrow! Don't expect staying this late!" Yamaguchi pushed Tsukishima to the opposite direction, their bickering easily continuing as they walked but by the time Tsukishima was finished complaining about the extra 20 minute walk him and Yamaguchi had already turned the corner. It left Hinata and Kageyama by themselves.

"Practise today got me beat," yawned rather awkwardly, Kageyama walking beside him quietly, drinking the milk Ennoshita bought him early that day. "Those first years though. It's really good their dedicated like how we were last year."

Kageyama didn't say anything because frankly, there was nothing to be said. He wasn't even sure why there was so much tension between them to the point where he was sure he was going to ignore it, not feeling like addressing any issues. There wasn't even any issues to address anyway.

"Kageyama," Hinata said suddenly, stopping in his the path just before the turn that separated the two of them. Kageyama stopped with him, looking down at Hinata, his expression constipated and quivering for some reason that Kageyama still couldn't read easily. 

"Do you..." Hinata started asking, Kageyama could see him gulping. "Do you...I mean, I know I've never actually been in your house before, but...What I'm trying to say is-""Say it, boke, before I leave you here in the dark."

A streetlight near them was flickering right behind Hinata. Kageyama could see Hinata's expression pinken.

"I'm asking if you actually live alone!"

Kageyama blinked. Turned his head to the left. Then the right. Then back at Hinata. "Hah?" 

Why did Hinata have to work up that much courage just to ask such a trivial question. It was so small, it didn't matter if Kageyama was asked again, and yet here Kageyama was thinking that Hinata was going to...

Was going to...

What?

"Living alone, that's something that only happens in an anime! If you just don't have a good relationship with your parents or-or don't want us to find out where you live, just say so! You don't have to be so stingy-"  
"I'm telling you, I live alone," Kageyama's voice was hard, stiff. He didn't want to hear the rest of Hinata's complaints.

"If this is all you're here to tell me, I'd rather just leave now. Go home, boke." Kageyama turned around, not wanting the conversation to last any longer. It was so troublesome to have to explain his relationship with his parents or to tell people how he lived. What was it to Hinata anyway.

"You're such a mean person, _Annoying_ -yama! If you're lonely, just say so!" Hinata screamed when Kageyama was already three streetlights down, Kageyama could already picture his tightened, frustrated face. " _Stupid-_ yama! _Stingy_ -yama!" Kageyama ignored it all as he walked down farther. Just a little more and he'd be turning his corner and free from Hinata's insults that in Kageyama's opinion, were very unprompted. He should really be quiet. This was an hour where families were sleeping or getting ready to relax.

"Kageyama, if you need to talk about something, then say it! Don't run away, you _coward_!"

Kageyama stopped walking, turning his head to the side only slightly. He could see Hinata's face, taken aback that he actually made Kageyama stop walking. But Kageyama didn't turn around. Instead, he turned the corner, losing sight of Hinata, and continued walking with his head held high.

Maybe if Hinata ran after him, the story would be different and Kageyama wouldn't go through life wondering what a meal tasted like with someone on the other side of the table.

\- * - * -

_At age 18_

the gym office doors weren't locked properly and Kageyama walked in on Yamaguchi and Tsukishima making out on the coach's desk. They didn't even notice Kageyama walking in until he started closing the door and the squeaking gave him away.

"Oi!" Tsukishima gasped as he pulled off of Yamaguchi, Yamaguchi losing balance and falling off with a yelp. "What the hell?! How long were you there?" Kageyama hummed softly with shrug, carrying the clipboard of attacks the team were going to practise this week. He was going to ask Yamaguchi to go over it but obviously he was busy right now.

"Did you want me to say something?" Kageyama scowled, taking a few steps back, but Tsukishima just glared at him. "Yeah! That's creepy as hell, standing there and watching like a pervert."  
"I wasn't _watching_ ," Kageyama hissed in response, shaking the clipboard in their faces. "We have a national game coming up and I'm planning to make it to the top. This is what I came in for, alright? _This_."

Yamaguchi wiped his mouth when he realized the situation he was in right now, standing up straighter. Kageyama noticed his sweater was unzipped and the collar of his shirt fiddled with and stretched out.

"Oh, Kageyama," Yamaguchi greeted with a hazy smile and content sigh. "Good. Yeah, go over the attacks. Er, Tsukki and I will-""Oh, whatever," Kageyama groaned, turning around and waving his hand. "Continue whatever gross thing you two were doing. Not like I care."

He didn't. This was the first hard evidence Kageyama, or anyone on the Karasuno team, had proving the captain's relationship status. Not like Kageyama actually actively thought about though he did have his speculations. It wasn't a big deal, however. Anyone could date whoever, as long as it didn't come between Kageyama and his goals.

"Don't tell anyone, Kageyama!" Yamaguchi called out weakly making Tsukishima tsk in annoyance and a soft 'Sorry Tsukki' following it. After three years one would think things would change between them, but the only thing different now was that they made out.

"Did you get the game plan?" Hinata asked, waiting for Kageyama outside the gym, Kageyama nodding as he handed Hinata the clipboard. "Nice! Do you think Yamaguchi would notice if we were to change it a bit? I had a plan for our offensive positions when it came to Shiratorizawa. Goshiki-kun only got better through the years and I know he's not going to hold back when he sees us nationals again."

Kageyama was silent as they walked to the side of the gym exit. They haven't even played in the semis yet, but still had the confidence of winning nationals as if they were in their first year. Kageyama's determination didn't change at all and all he knew was that this year for sure, he was going to give the whole thing 125% of himself.

"The second years aren't bad anymore, so we can keep two of them on the court," Hinata said, taking a pen out of his bag, crossing names and switching them on the court. Yamaguchi would have to approve of this later, but since he was clearly in the middle of something, Kageyama would have to use force for the sudden change. It's not like Yamaguchi and Kageyama disagreed frequently though. There was a reason the coach chose Kageyama to be vice captain to complement Yamaguchi.

"Tsukishima will be the middle blocker for Inarizaki though. They have a tough spiker this year, I heard. And when we face Kindaichi-kun, maybe we should-"

"I got scouted," Kageyama said suddenly. He's been meaning to tell Hinata for some time now, but he didn't know when. All he knew was that Hinata would be the first to know.

"Hm?" Hinata looked up from the paper, blinking slowly at Kageyama. "What'd you say?"  
"I got scouted," Kageyama repeated slower, looking up now. The sun was still out, but going down, maybe around 4 or 5 PM in March. "I got scouted for Italy's men's national team. These coming up games are going to be watching my progress. I need to be on the court as much as possible."

Hinata stared at Kageyama for a long time, like the words that just came out of his mouth weren't the most exciting and thrilling news he's heard in all his life. They _were_ though. First, it being extremely rare a high school student got scouted so early in the season, and for a _national_ team out of all things. Italy? That was quite far from Japan.

"That's...Kageyama, that's amazing! Congratulations!" Through the years, either Hinata has learned to genuinely get excited for the accomplishments Kageyama goes through or he's learned how to hide his jealousy better. This time though, Hinata definitely was ecstatic with the news.

"I mean, that's really cool! Are you leaving once we graduate?"  
"Probably," Kageyama answered, going into his bag and taking out his notebook for the day since there wouldn't be anymore practice. He could probably get in some notes from the clipboard though and write down some pointers.

"Wow," Hinata breathed out, sitting more comfortably next to Kageyama. "Scouted...I mean, that's...that's really good for you, Kageyama. But I wouldn't expect anything less either." Kageyama felt a blush creeping on his face but he ignored it whole heartedly. "I wonder if I'll get scouted too this year. During nationals maybe, when all the coaches are there. That would be the best.""Of course you will," Kageyama said with confidence and without looking up.

"If I got noticed, it'll be about time before you do too. They probably just needed a new setter or something."

Hinata looked over at Kageyama who was earnestly writing down the notes Yamaguchi took on the clipboard, paraphrasing in simple sentences and connecting the court photos to his own. Even mumbling a few words to himself, Kageyama began to notice the silence was dragging too long, making him look up at Hinata and give him a weird look. 

"What is it?"  
"You've gotten much tamer through the years," Hinata said with slight awe in his voice. "It's like you're a changed person. Are you my Kageyama that I know?"

Kageyama took the opportunity to get his eraser out, throwing it at Hinata, followed by a harsh tug on his hair that made Hinata scream in pain. "Ah, stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it, Kageyama!" Hinata groaned, pushing him back and making Kageyama fall onto the ground, Hinata pushing harder to straddle his lap. "You're the same immature pea brain I met years ago! I take back what I said! I hope Italy treats you terribly!"

Kageyama huffed, rolling them over so now he was on top of Hinata, rubbing his hands all over his face. "Boke! You'll never get scouted with that attitude!" Hinata flailed his arms around, his legs kicking up but Kageyama was still much bigger than him.

"You straight faced statue! How did you get scouted before me!"  
"Boke, Hinata! You're gonna keep playing gym volleyball if you keep talking like that!"

The two of them fought like usual, though it could be said they did actually get more mature. Hinata didn't get shy around girls anymore and Kageyama didn't pick fights with Tsukishima like before. They studied enough to pass, still volleyball in their minds like it was a plague, but neither of them really minded nor cared. Without having girlfriends, they spent lots of time with each other.  
Was that why they were still able to fight like they did in their first year?

"Okay, enough! There's dirt in my mouth!"

Hinata spat at Kageyama's neck, Kageyama giving him one last tug on the head before rolling off him, plopping down to the side. "Stupid," he added, kicking more dirt at Hinata, but this time Hinata just laid there, panting softly. Kageyama joined him a second later, looking up at the sky. No stars since the street lights were on, but they could hear the pray mantises and crickets chirping in harmony.

"Oi, Kageyama."  
"Hm?" Kageyama already had his eyes closed, cracking them open only a bit. He could see Hinata's head turned, staring at him.

"Are you gonna find an Italian girl to settle down with?"

Kageyama's eyes snapped open, sitting up and looking down at Hinata. "Hah?" Hinata sat up too, the same speed as Kageyama. "Don't 'hah' me! I asked you a question." Hinata and Kageyama never talked about relationships before since Kageyama was never one to call a girl 'cute'. Hinata would reserve those conversations for Nishinoya and Tanaka, and once they left Yachi and Yamaguchi easily took that place.

"Why so suddenly," Kageyama didn't know how red he was turning right now. "Of course not. My focus is volleyball. A girlfriend will only slow me down." Hinata's face didn't look dejected, but rather hesitant.

"What if..." Hinata started off slowly, "if she were to play volleyball? Would that change?" He finished his question before Kageyama could yell at him to hurry up. 

"Huh?" Kageyama raised an eyebrow, actually thinking about it this time. A girlfriend was never a problem, not with the amount of confessions he received on a daily basis. Kageyama would probably have to learn Italian too if he wanted an Italian girlfriend which was a bit of a hassle.

"I mean, maybe?" Kageyama scratched the back of his head hard, groaning softly. "Ah, what does that matter though! I have you anyway, so I don't need a girlfriend." Unaware how that sounded out loud, Kageyama stood up, holding a hand out to get Hinata to take it. "Come on! I'm getting hungry. The soccer team might've taken all the pork buns by now, but we might be able to make it."

Hinata was slow in taking Kageyama's hand, he was almost about to scream at him. When he did though, and Kageyama was able to pull him up, Hinata's eyes were shadowed, casted away and darkened. Kageyama felt a shiver up his spine.

"So you'll never date?" Hinata asked, not moving from his place. "Ever? Until you're too old to play volleyball? Until you're lying in a hospital and can't even piss on your own anymore? You're not even going to look for someone to fall in love with?"

Taken aback by the words, Kageyama flicked Hinata's forehead lightly. "Where is this coming from? It's not something you need to concern yourself with-"

"It is though!" 

Hinata's voice was screaming, louder than needed and loud enough that Kageyama should hear the heart behind it. Kageyama couldn't be more clueless.

"Don't tell me it doesn't concern me! I'll be the judge of that," Hinata huffed, Kageyama taking a step back. He's seen Hinata upset and angry before, but never unprompted. Was it something Kageyama said?

"You're stupid, Kageyama! _Stupid-_ yama! And that'll never change!"  
"Are you telling me that you're in love with someone? If so then be in love! It's not something I should care about-"

Kageyama stopped. Thought about it. What if Hinata said yes? His face softened, Hinata panting even if he didn't move much. If Hinata were to admit he was in love with someone, would Kageyama's chest clench in the tightest way possible? Would his breath shallow, and all of a sudden he didn't know _how_ to breath? Would he ask Hinata who it was, where did he meet her, how long has it been? Would Kageyama be jealous? 

Be jealous of what though? That Hinata fell in love?

"Stupid, Kageyama," Hinata kicked the dirt, passing by Kageyama, not looking up a second time. Kageyama didn't know what kind of face he was making, not in the dark and not with his head down.

"If you don't know then you're really just a stupid, volleyball head junkie. There are other things in the world to love." 

Kageyama's stomach plummeted, his head swirled and by the time he turned around Hinata was gone. How long has it been? The time he had with Hinata not playing volleyball was always just as fun. Even if they were just sitting under the sky doing nothing, eyes closed and silent, Hinata and him were always comfortable, always together, always one with each other. Never had Kageyama considered it because to him, love was never defined.

How were you supposed to know you were in love?

Kageyama couldn't ask Hinata now though, because the sight of him blurred and the world slowly, quietly shut down.

Before Kageyama could even realize Hinata was his first love, he lost him through his fingertips. A set Kageyama never thought would be received. 

Italy had many beautiful women. That should have been Kageyama's first red flag.

" _Caro, dove stai andando? Vieni qui!_ "

Kageyama was getting better at the language little by little, but for some reason those words were what he learned first even if he didn't have a roommate. Since he was a man, Kageyama thought he was safe at night, allowing him to train during the day, rest after for a few hours and do his grocery shopping in the night. It was less busy anyway and the hot sun wouldn't damage his skin.

That's what Kageyama _thought._

" _Eh, tourista! Vieni qui, angelo, non mordo."_ That phrase too, Kageyama learned quickly and it always had laughter coming after it. But Kageyama never said anything back, just walked straight, looking forward.

" _Dove vivi? Andiamo insieme!_ " More laughter followed the phrases, Kageyama just walking. A few more steps and he'd be in his apartment complex and he'd be able to make his apartment where he could eat in peace. Though the landlady these days has been a bit more touchy with Kageyama.

The sun was down. The streetlights were the brightest light in the country right now.

When Kageyama finally made it to his apartment he let out his sigh of relief, thanking whatever was listening to him that he made it back safely once again. He was a man, he shouldn't be having a hard time getting through the night. It was something he'd have to endure until he got back to Japan in a few months.

 _Ding_ his phone went, but he ignored it at first as he put his groceries into his fridge and cupboard, cleaning up his place a bit. If you could call it a place - Kageyama's room was just that. A room with a small bathroom and another smaller room where his bed was, which he learned was more than what a lot of students could afford but it was still a bit to get used to. The kitchen was able to be walked through in a matter of three steps and his stove could only fit two things at a time. Sometimes Kageyama would have to eat things fast or because his fridge couldn't fit everything, and it wouldn't be a problem if he was on a meal plan that made him eat more calories that Kageyama could burn just by sitting and doing nothing.

"Ah, this world," Kageyama sighed softly as he shoved chicken into the freezer, squeezing shut and praying it wouldn't fall out in the middle of the night. Right now wasn't the most ideal living condition to the average person, but to Kageyama, waking up tomorrow just to play volleyball and living for that, that was more than he could ask for.

When all the groceries were put away Kageyama managed to slide onto the big chair that made a perfect couch for one, taking his phone out to see the notification. His heart fell a little when he saw it wasn't anything personal.

_miya_atsumu is LIVE!_

Kageyama didn't usually watch lives, didn't care about them and honestly didn't know much about them and what they did. They just started getting popular too, so he didn't even think it would matter if he joined or not. Would Atsumu even notice if Kageyama joined?

Tonight, for some reason, Kageyama felt his finger swipe. Maybe it was the weird home sick feeling he had when he saw Atsumu's name, or perhaps the fact that he hasn't taken a shower yet and he was too tired to get up now that he was sitting down, but Kageyama put his password in and watched as his smartphone took him straight to Atsumu's LIVE, the comments filling by the second and viewers reaching the 'k's easily in a minute.

"Ah, it started," Atsumu smiled at the camera, the sound of Japanese making Kageyama's chest clench. Atsumu was in a bright white room, wearing the jersey of a team he was currently on. MSBY Black Jackals - Kageyama kinda liked their uniforms.

"Hello everyone," Atsumu fixed his hair in the camera a bit, ruffling it and shaking his head, waiting for more people to join. "This is gonna be a fun one. Oi, Bo-kun, are ye joining?" There was a clash off the screen making Atsumu laugh hysterically, looking at the camera. "Ah, I can't show this. But our dear Bokuto-san is a mess right now."

The comments went crazy, most of them wanting to see Bokuto as expected. Kageyama was just glad he was reading a language he could understand without a dictionary.

"Alright, alright, everyone. The moment we've been waiting for," Atsumu placed the phone down, now revealing him in a change room of some sort, probably where the Black Jackals practised anyway. He was wearing shorts, revealing his whole body as he stepped back. 

"We're gonna to be introducing the newest member of the Black Jackals. Ready guys?" With all the comments, Kageyama felt like he should have sent something, but he didn't. Before he could, there was movement on the screen again.

And Kageyama's heart almost dropped.

"Hello everyone, my name is Hinata Shouyou! I'm the newest member of the Black Jackals. Ah, Atsumu-san this is embarrassing. We already did this on TV, this LIVE is so unnecessary."  
"No, keep going! Ah, ye messed up, Shouyou-kun! We can't do it again. It's a LIVE for a reason!"

Kageyama felt a weird dry feeling in his throat and his stomach as he stared right at Hinata, the centre of his chest like a whirlpool sucking in everything in it's path. Hinata was on a league team. A professional team that could very well verse others and Kageyama didn't know about.

Hinata didn't _tell_ him about it.

"After my time in Brazil, I wanted to join a league team," Hinata said to the camera, ignoring Atsumu's words and continuing on with his introduction. "It was a great time for me to grow my potential. From now on I'd like to continue to grow so watch me a lot-"  
"So formal, Shouyou-kun! Seriously, yer makin' the viewer count go down," Atsumu groaned, taking his phone and putting it closer to his face, giving a signature smirk that made the hearts go viral like crazy.

Hinata told Kageyama he was back in Japan now. Kageyama went back to Italy because of it. Was this karma?

"Ah, is Tobio-kun on the LIVE?" Atsumu gasped, making Kageyama jolt and look down at the grinning Atsumu on the screen. "Tobio-kun! Yer watchin', eh? Didjya see ma new wing spiker? Ya jealous?" Atsumu's dialect died down nowadays unless he was comfortable. Kageyama should have felt nice.

But he didn't. He left the LIVE.

It was just a joke, Kageyama would tell himself. Don't get worked up about it, he'd tell himself. Don't let it affect you or how you play, he would tell himself. No matter where Hinata played, as long as they were both on the same stage, it didn't.

Don't let a mere _joke_ get to your head, Kageyama Tobio. That was the worst thing that could happen to you.

"Ah," Kageyama sighed softly. He didn't have any alcohol since it would affect his diet, but instead he went out to his window and breathed in the second hand smoke that his neighbours would omit. It kept him sedated. Kept him calm. It helped.

What was Kageyama supposed to do when it was right in front of him though?

"Tobio-kun, wouldja mind not pickin' a fight with _our_ wing-spiker?"

Kageyama felt an unsettlingly disgusting in the pit of his stomach as he saw Atsumu's arm on Hinata's shoulder. It was weird, Kageyama thought. Ushijima was an amazing wing spiker, very capable. Hoshiumi was a good teammate, would make a lot of good attacks and guarantee a win for them.

So why was Kageyama feeling so... _jealous_.

"He chose to pick a fight with me," Kageyama scowled, turning to leave, not wanting anyone else to bother him from now. "I'm leaving. I'll see you on the court-""Kageyama!" Hinata called out, Kageyama didn't see it when he moved from Atsumu's arm. Kageyama didn't want to see anything else.

"That's all you're going to say to me? After years of not talking to me?"

Kageyama was silent for a minute. He ignored it when Bokuto came in creating chaos, didn't look at Sakusa when he reminded everyone to take their flu shots. Kageyama didn't turn around so Hinata moved on his own, coming back in front of Kageyama - Hinata still had to look up.

"We texted each other. We called. Is that not eno-"  
"No," Hinata didn't even let him finish. "It wasn't. Was it for you? Because it wasn't for me."

Hinata was still the same and that made things worse. To think, after all these years it would still be Hinata chasing after him. Even with Atsumu as his setter, Oikawa as his mentor and friend, Kageyama was still the one he was chasing. Kenma was there to spoil him, Bokuto was there to cheer him on, yet Kageyama was still the one he was chasing. Completely insane and Kageyama would never understand.  
How pathetic.

"The game will be starting," Kageyama said gruffly, moving past Hinata and trying to get his head back into the zone. He couldn't afford distractions. "I'll see you after I win. Work hard."

There were beeps and signals to the players that they needed to get ready to get on the court, MSBY on the court first since it was their home game. Kageyama took deep breaths, trying to find himself back on the court and before he knew it him and Hinata were facing off like nothing has changed. The intensity, the vigour, the way Hinata looked at Kageyama like he was wearing a crown - all of it was the same.

Why couldn't Kageyama make any sense of it?

"I'm here," Hinata said once the game was over. Black Jackals won. For some reason Kageyama felt like he was proud too.

"About time."

\- * - * -

_At age 24_

they were beside each other again. 9 and 10, standing side by side, Hinata wouldn't shut up about it. But before every game, during the stretches, being prepared and working together, Kageyama has learned how to smile brighter.

Even if Hinata wasn't his, Kageyama has learned to take those rays of sunlight and make it his own in their own little way.

"For the Argentina game, Kageyama and Hinata will be on the court," Iwaizumi said, pointing to the clipboard, the Olympic games starting in just a few weeks. In fact, their flight was tomorrow and Hinata was ecstatic. Kageyama felt himself getting excited too, it made him feel like a child.

"I want the best players on for them. It's a strong team."  
"Eh? And yer puttin' Tobio-kun," Atsumu snorted, patting Kageyama on the back hard. "Alrigh'. Anythin' goes, I guess," he mumbled, winking at Kageyama, Kageyama wasn't sure how to respond back.

"I won't say it's because Kageyama is the strongest, though you are, Kageyama," Iwaizumi said, circling other names, Yaku and Ushijima being a few of them. "But it's more that the two of you together, it's going to be tough to beat. Even for Oikawa."

"Oh, so it's not a team thing," Bokuto said suddenly, putting an arm around Kageyama, Kageyama again wasn't sure how to respond. "It's an Oikawa thing." Iwaizumi glared at him, hitting his clipboard down.

"So what if it is? You want to lose to Argentina? Oikawa's been getting better these days and it's only getting scarier! He's 80 kg of pure muscle now, you know?" Everyone's eyes went wide at Iwaizumi's sudden outburst, gulping when he went untethered. It was only when you mentioned Argentina or Oikawa that he got like this, Kageyama noticed. Good thing he didn't mention Oikawa a lot.

"Anyway," Iwaizumi cleared his throat, going back down to the sheet of the game plan for the first few games. "When we verse China, I'm putting Atsumu on. Then for Korea, it's rotating between Bokuto and Ushiwaka-"  
"Don't we need to defeat Argentina before Korea," Kageyama pointed out, everyone looking at him for the statement. "Before we can make that plan, we need to verse Argentina first and win. Or else we need to be making a plan for the US team instead."

Iwaizumi blinked a few times, straightening his back and cocking his head to the side. "Then, Kageyama. Do you plan on losing to Argentina?"

Everyone was silent, looking back at Kageyama. Hinata flinched a little, putting his hand up but Kageyama pushed it away. "No, Iwaizumi-san," Kageyama responded professionally, not letting the humiliation get to him. "I don't plan on losing to anyone during the Olympics this year."

Even if he didn't plan it, Kageyama couldn't stop it when it happened. When Argentina won after the third set, a close game of 25 to 27, Kageyama was on his knees on the floor, panting heavily. He could see Oikawa on the other side of the net, looking down on him with a smug look on his face that Kageyama wouldn't know was unintentional. Kageyama felt his heart plummet all the way to his stomach.

"'Kawa-san!"  
"Shouyou!"

Kageyama got up from the ground, taking the towel a manager gave him and started dabbing himself softly, the sweat mixing in with his tears. The games weren't over, but Kageyama's train of thought paused as he tried listening in on Hinata's conversation with Oikawa.

"You played well," Oikawa panted, hitting Hinata on the back. "Much better than when we were in Rio."  
"Ah, it's thanks to you, 'Kawa-san! I really improved with the sand and your pointers. Not gonna lie, I miss playing beach volleyball with you. We should go sometime."

Kageyama snapped the energy bar he had in half, cutting it with the plastic. He took a big, harsh bite into it.

"Of course!" Oikawa said with a bright smile, going back under the net, Kageyama could only see from the corner of his eye. "We should go again. The Rio nights were too short! Let's party a little more next time."  
"'Kawa-san!" Hinata laughed, poking Oikawa in the stomach playfully. "You're the one who said, 'what happens in Rio stays in Rio'! Let's keep it that way, yeah?" Kageyama wanted to leave so badly, but his feet weren't moving.

"Oi, oi, now," Atsumu's voice made Kageyama still, frozen in place even more. "Whatcha doin' talkin' to the Japan team, Argentina Boy?"  
"Is that a way a sore loser should talk?" Oikawa hissed, going back under the net when he noticed the cleaners sweeping up the gym floor for the next two teams to play which was going to determine where Japan was sitting in the Olympics. Kageyama hoped he could ask Iwaizumi for a break in the game against the US.

"Dontcha gotta team to get to?" Atsumu pressed, making Oikawa glare right through him. Hinata had to put his hands on Atsumu's chest, giving him a sort of stare that said 'stop that'. All three of them were awfully close for sport that didn't require touching.

"Thought I would talk to Shouyou a bit. You know, we played together in Rio for a bit."  
"Yeah, I saw all yer posts on Insta. Not to brag, but ya really gotta slow down or else ye'll be reavelin' a little too much, dontcha think?" Atsumu crossed his arms, looking at Oikawa up and down. All Oikawa did was smirk.

"Not that kind of 'playing', 'Tsumu-chan."

Kageyama crushed the wrapping of the finished energy bar and threw it in the trash aggressively, unintentionally stomping as he followed the rest of the team to the change rooms.

Japan made it to silver that year, an accomplishment Kageyama could only cry about. When they were awarded their medals, Ushijima representing them on the pedestal and bowing profusely, Kageyama felt an overwhelming sense of pride in his chest as he looked down at it. It had his country's name, his hard work in a physical form wrapped around his neck for the world to see. It wasn't gold, but it still felt like he was standing on the top of the world.

"We did it, Kageyama!" Kageyama didn't see Hinata's effort to squeeze beside him, having to squirm out of Bokuto's grip then Atsumu's attempt to wrap an arm around his shoulder. "We did it together. We're here. Together."

They were. Like how they promised, more than what they promised, him and Hinata were standing on a pedestal together.

When Kageyama looked down he wanted to grab Hinata by the collar and pull him in for a kiss.

"Congratulations to all the winners. You may descend from your places and go back to your respective destinations," the managers of the games announced into the radios and walkies of the administrators nearby, signalling those on the pedestals to come down. Ushijima waited for whoever was bronze to go first, then Ushijima, then the Argentina representative right after stepping down, blowing a few more kisses to the crowd. Oikawa from the other side of the stadium was blowing a kiss to the Japan team and Iwaizumi's whole face went red. Probably with how hot it was right now.

"Kageyama," Hinata said, pulling him by the hand, Kageyama didn't notice as they were leaving. He wanted to bask in the glory for a little longer.

"We did well, didn't we?" Hinata laughed, pulling Kageyama forcefully, he gained a lot of muscle over the years and Kageyama only took a good look now. How heavy was Hinata now? 70 kilograms? 75? It's been a while since he's fought him physically or carried him when he got annoying.

"I can't wait to take a shower," Hoshiumi groaned, stretching his back before taking the silver medallion in his hand and kissing it. "Ah, really. I feel light. We really did our best."

It was weird. Kageyama felt proud. He felt like he worked hard, the sweat on his back proved as much. He has shed blood for this, sacrificed sleep for this, used up all his energy for this. He achieved a dream 4 year old him would actually crack a smile about hearing he's made it, and 14 year old him would only work harder to get gold.

So why was there still an empty place in Kageyama's chest, waiting to be filled.

"Smile, wontcha, Tobio-kun?" Atsumu laughed, patting Kageyama on the back, Bokuto and Hinata on the other side of the change room getting all excited and stupid together. Kageyama and him used to be similar, pushing each other and talking nonstop. Kageyama didn't want to look at Atsumu right now.

"Ya really wanted that gold then, yeah? Can't blame ya. But still," Atsumu looked down at his silver and kissed it, letting out a sigh of happiness. "Can't wait for 'Samu to see this."

Kageyama realized what was the empty pit in his chest right now, a little too late like most things Kageyama has realized in life. As he stared at Hinata, the small ray of sunshine only shining brighter through the years, Kageyama's whole mind went blank.

Kageyama remembered when everything felt so warm to the point where he could close his eyes and he might melt.

Since when did the world get so cold?

The after party was nothing less than chaotic. Everyone who supported them was there when they returned to Japan and everyone was getting absolutely wasted.

"Hey! Hey! Hey!" Bokuto shouted from the top of a table, pouring down a pint of beer on Kuroo and leaning down to lick it off him. Akaashi came from behind him to grab him off the table and Kageyama knew that the lack of glasses meant he was at least a little tipsy. When Akaashi took Bokuto by the back of the neck and pulled him in for the most intense kiss Kageyama has witnessed even compared to television production, he knew Akaashi was drunk too.

"Oi, oi! PG13 please!" Yaku laughed, chugging a bottle on his own in the corner, constantly looking down at his phone. He was acting fine but Kageyama's noticed he was biting his lip anxiously over and over again, making a few phone calls only to disappointedly put the phone down. Must be hard. Maybe he had a sibling he was trying to reach.

"It's hard when yer lonely," Atsumu sighed, coming up beside Kageyama with a small smirk on his lips, looking down at him. Kageyama decided not to look up. "With a face like yers, though, Tobio-kun, an easy lay isn't too hard, is it? Loosen a bit, why wontcha?" Atsumu pulled out a bottle from behind his back, full of sake that Kageyama was trying to avoid the whole night, even when Sugawara offered it to him quite persistently.

"Drink a bit, Tobio-kun! Or is yer alcohol tolerance not that great?" Kageyama took the bottle, opened it, and chugged.

Where was Hinata right now? Was he having fun? Laughing? Having a good time? Kageyama sure hoped so because right now, he couldn't think straight. One bottle after a full 6 years of not touching alcohol once thanks to the most restrictive diet there is, alcohol hit his head much easier. Atsumu left quite a while ago after laughing his ass off and patting Kageyama on the back affectionately. Kageyama wanted to punch him in the face.

"Kageyama! Ah, it's so good to see you!" Yamaguchi was making his way over, yelling over all the noise and music playing, Tsukishima behind him, following. "You were amazing on that stage! I couldn't keep my eyes off once for a second. Ah, I was really cheering you on-"  
"Oi, Tadashi," Tsukishima stopped him, moving Yamaguchi a bit to the side so now he was right in front of Kageama too. "I don't think he's listening.""What do you mean?" Yamaguchi had the Japan flag painted on his cheeks, wearing the 10 jersey while Tsukishima wore the 9. They were supporting him and Hinata, such good friends.

"Kageyama? Kageyama, you okay?" Kageyama coughed, groaning softly as he clutched his stomach. How pathetic. One single bottle of sake defeated world champion athlete Kageyama. 

"I think he drank. Goodness," Tsukishima scoffed, helping Kageyama up and lean on the nearest table. Instead of leaning though, Kageyama simply sat on the table, holding his chest and stomach at the same time.

"Oi, Your Highness. Don't sleep now. It's not even midnight yet." Kageyama coughed louder, looking up, his vision blurry. Tsukishima had his contacts on so that meant either he just had a game orhe was expecting a fight tonight. Kageyama didn't want to fight though.

"-nee-san," Kageyama mumbled softly, Tsukishima furrowing his eyebrows. Him and Yamaguchi were still there, waiting for Kageyama to straighten up but at this state they were probably wondering if Kageyama should be sent to a hotel already.

"What?" Yamaguchi asked in concern, patting Kageyama's back softly then rubbing slowly in circles. "What did he say?""I don't know," Tsukishima answered, also looking like he was anticipating something else from Kageyama.

"Miwa-nee-san," Kageyama said, much clearer this time as he looked out at the crowd of people, searching. "Miwa-nee-san. She said she would come to my game. She's here somewhere..." Not even when he was in school, not once did Miwa show up. Surely she'll come to the Olympics for her little brother.

"Oi, Kageyama," Tsukishima pulled him up. "We should go outside-""Nee-Nee-san," Kageyama groaned, shifting his weight forward and beginning to walk on his own, not in a very straight line, trudging like there was a weight on his neck dragging him down. "Momma. Dad. I wan'em to see me play."

Tsukishima and Yamaguchi followed him carefully, trying to get him to go outside instead of getting his hands on more alcohol. It was too late though because Suna was handing out shots to everyone, Osamu holding the tray behind him.

"Tobio-kun, you too," Suna said, giving him a shot glass, without thinking Kageyama downing it. "Kageyama-no-!" It was too late when Kageyama already drank the shot, pushing other people away to get more. He was so thirsty, his throat was scratching itself at this point. "Kageyama, stop it-" Yamaguchi took the third shot before Kageyama was able to get it down his throat, now pulling himself with much force.  
Tonight was supposed to be a celebration. Kageyama was supposed to be celebrating.

"Oi, Tobio-kun," Atsumu laughed nervously when he saw Kageyama being restrained from more alcohol. Someone as big as him, he should be able to drink a little more. "What's the problem with ya?"  
"Miwa-nee-san," Kageyama said again, his breath heavier, only slightly though. But if he was asked to do a breathalyzer test he might not even be able to breath in enough air to get a number. "Miwa-nee-san came. She watchin' my game. Gotta greet her."

There was a small group around him now, only attracting more people. It didn't take long for people like Daichi to show up, Sugawara beside him and instantly taking Kageyama by the arms so they could lead him out.

"Alright, Kageyama, let's get you out of here-"  
"Nee-san came to watch me! She came!" Kageyama screamed, his head spinning in all sorts of directions now. Who was in front of him right now? It sounded like Daichi but he felt like he could see 3 Sugawaras.

"She's watchin'," Kageyama slurred, pushing whoever it was in front of him to the side, his stomach churning the alcohol and letting it run through his veins like a medicine. "Gotta go greet her. Maybe she's with grandpa too."

That seemed to flip a switch with everyone close to Kageyama, basically those of the Karasuno team that showed up, all taking attention to him and pushing him towards the exit outside. Kageyama could hear Osamu punching Atsumu multiple times for giving Kageyama a whole bottle of sake, the shouting questions Bokuto and Kuroo were passing to each other about what was happening. Even Kenma got off his phone for a bit to see what all the commotion was.

"Kageyama, you need air-"  
"Miwa-nee-san showed up! I know she did," Kageyama said, much louder than necessary. It was Sugawara in front of him right now, him, Daichi, Yamaguchi, Tsukishima, Tanaka, Kiyoko, Yachi, Kinoshita, Narita and Ennoshita there for some support. Someone was missing, but right now Kageyama couldn't figure that out. Miwa was waiting for him somewhere, she probably wanted to congratulate him. She'd probably bring flowers, tell him alcohol wasn't a good idea.

When was the last time Kageyama called her? When he left for Italy the first time?

"Probably brought that old man. Haven't seen 'im in a long time," Kageyama slurred. They were at the curb of the hotel the party was hosted, where most of the Japan team was staying at after they landed back in Japan from the Olympics, and hopefully wouldn't get kicked out for the disturbance.

"Who's 'Miwa'?" Narita whispered to Tanaka and Kiyoko, a little loudly but Kageyama didn't show he heard. "His girlfriend?""His sister," Kiyoko filled in. "She's a hairdresser in Tokyo. I don't know anything other than that."  
"She's never come to a game of ours when we were in high school," Yamaguchi whispered to them, a bottle of water in hand in case Kageyama needed it. "He said he didn't care, but now I'm starting to wonder..."

Kageyama didn't eat anything before, so maybe that's why he was feeling so light headed. The whole world was blurry, nothing in focus. The streetlights were on, but most of them were overshadowed with the lights from the entrance of the hotel.

"Who's the 'old man' then?" Tanaka asked, watching as Kageyama tried to stand up but fell, Sugawara catching him and placing him down gently. Everyone was silent for a second until it was Tsukishima who answered for him.

"His late grandfather. He passed away when Kageyama was still in middle school."

It seemed like everyone but Kageyama heard him.

"Miwa-nee-san is waitin' for me," Kageyama's words were connecting the more the minutes went by, taking out his phone from his pocket and opening it. His background was the plain default you got when you first have your phone. "Maybe I should call her. She'll pick up..." Did Miwa even have the same number? Kageyama couldn't remember. He's changed his phone so many times, got temporary ones when he left the country. Was she even still a hairdresser?

"Let's get you home, Kageyama," Sugawara said gently, wiping Kageyama's forehead and patting his back lightly to encourage him. "I think you partied hard enough tonight-"

"No!" Kageyama screamed, so suddenly, his voice echoed around them. Everyone was frozen, staring at him with wide eyes, Kiyoko taking a step back and Tanaka stepping in front of her. Kinoshita and Ennoshita were ready to grab Kageyama if anything got too rowdy, Tsukishima as well ready to catch him if he fell over. Everyone was worried of course. It was Kageyama, he was apart of the family too.

"I don't wanna go home," Kageyama shook his head, sitting down and covering his ears. "Not home. Don't send me home, I don't wanna." 24 and complaining like a child. Tears were threatening to spill out, but Kageyama was too drunk to care.

"Okay, you don't have to go home," Sugawara said in a soft tone, Daichi trying to stroke his hair to get him to lift his head. "Where do you wanna go then, Kageyama, hm? We'll take you." It was like talking to a puppy. A baby. Someone that needed something, needed _someone_ , and no one knew how to handle the situation because no one has seen Kageyama like this ever. Screaming, yes. Crying? Impossible.

"I don't wanna be alone," Kageyama lifted his head and Sugawara almost gasped when he saw how many tears have fallen already. "I don't wanna go home alone. I don't wanna see the table empty anymore." Was it the alcohol? Was it the cold air of night? Was it that flickering streetlight that didn't seem to give up it's energy to shine light for those driving by? Kageyama couldn't stop his heart, his tears.

"I don't wanna eat alone. I don't wanna wake up alone. I don't wa-wanna sleep alone-" Kageyama sobbed softly, hiccuping through his words, Daichi had to take the bottle of water from Yamaguchi to get Kageyama to drink. No one said anything as Kageyama broke down little by little. There was the same passion in him as when he was on the court, but it was obvious there was much more heart.

"I'm so-so pathetic-" Kageyama took a deep breath after Daichi gave him some water, wiping his face. "I-I wanna see my sister. I wa-wanna go to my grandpa's gr-grave. I wanna-wanna-" Kageyama choked on a sob, feeling like a weight was being lifted off his shoulders, but double the weight being put on his chest. "I-I wanna call my parents. I wanna have-have a meal with them a-a-and be a family already!"

The only sound was Kageyama crying, screams of pain where bloodshed could have happened. 

"I-I don't want to be left behind."

What do you say to someone who's been feeling this way for their entire life but you didn't know until 10 years later? What do you say to the strongest person you knew, ended up having the darkest of insecurities? What do you say when your best friend was hurting so hard, but you thought you knew everything about them? What do you say?

No one knew the answer and it showed with the silent reply.

"Kageyama! Kageyama!" The shouting from the entrance of the hotel was getting louder, footsteps at a lightly fast pace, Kageyama looked up and turned around, his tears having stained the collar of his shirt now.

"Kageyama-" Hinata didn't hesitate as he wrapped his arms around Kageyama's neck, leaning down for the tight hug Kageyama has craved for longer than he thought. Everyone took a step back, some even looked away.

"Don't scare me like that. Don't-"  
"Hinata," Kageyama cried harder but his body didn't move. Why wasn't he hugging Hinata back? Why couldn't he?

"You just left! I thought you were going home with someone or-or sick or-" when Hinata felt wetness on his shoulder he looked down, finally seeing the mess Kageyama was, taking in that the crying happening wasn't tears of joy for getting the silver medal for Japan, nor the sadness of not getting gold. Hinata had to take in the situation, looking around them and realizing that this wasn't any normal get together with the Karasuno team.

"What's...Kageyama, what's wrong? You can tell me, yeah?" The scent of alcohol hitting Hinata like a truck when Kageyama exhaled almost made him drunk. "Kageyama? Hey, Kageyama, talk to me."

How could the sun be so close to you without burning? Kageyama's whole body was hot but he wasn't on fire. Everything was so bright but he could still see.

"Hinata..." Kageyama whispered softly, putting a hand on Hinata's cheek, Hinata putting a hand then on his. "Yeah, Kageyama?" The situation was so intimate, but no one left them alone. Kageyama was on the verge of collapsing.

"Don't..." Kageyama slurred, lolling his head from side to side. This was the first time he's been drunk. How bad would the hangover be tomorrow morning?

"Don't hold back...because of me."

"Kageyama!" 

Hinata gasped as Kageyama turned into dead weight, dropping on the pavement of the hotel front. Sugawara was already on it getting Tsukishima and Yamaguchi to carry him up back to their room while Hinata stared wide eyed.

"Wha-What happened?"  
"Drank too much, I guess," Daichi sighed, massaging the front of his head as he tried to think of a solution. As an officer he didn't need to arrest anyone, but he certainly felt uncomfortable with Kageyama blacking out drunk.

"Did he say anything? About me?" Hinata asked, a little too eagerly making Daichi looked down at him with an eyebrow raised. "Uh, no. Sorry." Hinata's disappointed face was both amusing and plain sad.

"He talked about his family, Hinata," Ennoshita reassured him, patting Hinata on the back a bit. "How they didn't come to the party to congratulate him. He doesn't even know if they watched the game."  
"That must mean they didn't even message him," Kiyoko pointed out, Tanaka's hand clenched into a fist. "Those bastards! Leaving Kageyama all alone like that! How dare they call him his family!"

Hinata felt cold hair gust through his clothes. He didn't bother putting on a jacket since it was still the summer time, but the nights were still colder than ever.

"You were with him Hinata. He knows that."

Did he though? Because Hinata has never once felt that Kageyama really _knew_ he was there. Physically, maybe. On the court, for sure. But has Kageyama really taken in that Hinata was there - there for _him_ specifically?

"I'm gonna go up," Hinata said, more in a whisper as he started walking back to the hotel. "I'm going to make sure he's okay. That he's not alone in the morning." No one knew how much Hinata heard before he came up, but Kageyama was pretty loud so maybe he did hear the shouting declaration of a lonely heart.

"Hinata," Daichi called out and when Hinata looked back the same strong captain and vice captain stared him in the face, cheering him on. "Make sure Kageyama doesn't cry again. Okay?"

Hinata smiled. Confident, proud. Now that much, he could do.

\- * - * -

_The next morning_

everything thumped in a sorely painful way. Sunlight streamed from the slightly opened drapes and the world was standing straight again. Kageyama was in his hotel room, waking up with the worst headache of his life, but that wasn't what hurt the most.

He was alone again.

"Mph," Kageyama couldn't remember much from last night except for talking to Atsumu and that memory was just irritating. Maybe he chatted with Iwaizumi a bit, maybe he said hi to Ushijima but Tendou quickly whisked him away. Kageyama just hoped no matter what, he didn't drive anyone else further.

When he checked his phone there were several messages, from people Kageyama could actually text back and not just fans. It was a first.

_From : Daichi-san_

_Are you okay? Awake yet? Drink lots of water and hangover soup, it'll help you get better!_

_From : Sugawara-san_

_Don't get up too fast. Maybe 15 minutes after reading this. Then take a nice hot shower! Get better, my dear Kageyama <3_

_From : Hitoka Yachi_

_Are you feeling better, Kageyama? I'm sad I didn't get to talk to you properly last night! Let me know when you wake up and I'll treat you to some coffee :)_

_From : Yamaguchi :]_

_Kageyama! Tell me when you wake up! Wanna make sure you're safe :(_

_From : Unknown Number_

_[Photo]_

_You're disgusting, Your Highness. At least you didn't throw up._

Nothing from his sister. Nothing from Hinata.

Kageyama was grateful, warmed even that they were nice enough to text him, but it also told him that everyone saw him in such a state last night, meaning that everyone but him knows how he is drunk. Not that fun of a thought.

"Wonder what I said..." Kageyama sighed sadly, slowly getting out of bed. He noticed right away he wasn't in the same clothes as last night, probably changed by Yamaguchi into some comfortable sweats and a shirt. If Tsukishima took that picture of a half naked Kageyama on the bed then Yamaguchi dressed him for sure.

When Kageyama stepped out of the bedroom of the hotel room he wasn't expecting too much. The room itself was big, a sort of reward for placing silver. It was big, had a small kitchen and a living room like area. It was bigger than Kageyama's dorms in Italy, that was for sure, but that just meant the emptiness was much bigger. Kageyama didn't let it bother him though. He was used to a big house being empty except for him.

"Finally awake?"

Kageyama gasped loudly, jumping back, he almost hit his head on the wall.

Hinata was there, sitting at the island bar of the kitchen with two takeout boxes in front of him. Hinata was there. Fully dressed and like he didn't just wake up. "Come, sit down. Your hangover is probably killing you."

Kageyama gulped, not knowing what to say or do. Hinata was there, in the morning waiting for him so they could eat together. Hinata was there - _someone_ was there.

"Are you waiting for something?" Hinata asked, his taunting voice deeper, but all too familiar. "Sit down already. I was so hungry waiting for you." Kageyama got himself to composure, walking to the island and sitting in front of Hinata so he was inside the kitchen. Hinata didn't even have his phone out while he was waiting.

"What did you get?"  
"Rice porridge. It should help with your hangover," Hinata said, opening it for Kageyama and showing the still steaming meal. Hinata bought it recently then and made it just in time for Kageyama when he woke up.

"How did you sleep?" Hinata asked casually, as if what they were doing what was totally normal. And it was, but it wouldn't be the morning after Kageyama's stupidly drunken night. If he asked would Hinata tell him what happened?

"Fine," Kageyama answered quietly, watching as Hinata took his first bite. When he caught Kageyama's eyes he offered a small smile, a wave even and then, he laughed. "Why? You're staring at me like I'm a ghost."  
"Did I say something to you last night?" Kageyama went straight to the point, not wanting to stall any longer. Hinata seemed to be expecting this, putting his plastic spoon down and putting on a less relaxed face. Kageyama copied him.

"How much do you remember from last night?"  
"Don't answer my question with another question," Kageyama snapped, Hinata didn't even flinch. "Did I say something to you last night?" Hinata gave him a small, sad smile cocking his head to the side.

"If you're asking me then that then that means there's something you're scared of me hearing."

Kageyama was taken back a bit by the avoidance of the question and the response he got. What was Hinata's problem?

"What are you thinking you told me, Kageyama?" Hinata asked, a slight hum in his voice as he stood from his seat, pushing their bowls out of the way. "Is there something you've been hiding? Something you want to say to me but won't?" What did Kageyama say last night to make Hinata so bold right now? What did Kageyama and Hinata do to make Hinata think he had to take care of him the morning after?

"Was there something you were holding back?

Kageyama gulped, unsure why he didn't notice until now that Hinata was wearing his shirt. It was too big for him, his collarbones showing no marks - which disappointed Kageyama just a tringe - and Hinata had the smuggest look on his face. What happened last night?

"I'm a bit hurt," Hinata climbed on the island, Kageyama had to slide his chair back. "I've been waiting so long and now you don't remember a thing. How dare you, _Stupid_ -yama." Now Kageyama was really confused, especially as Hinata swerved his legs over so now he was sitting facing Kageyama, his legs swinging from the counter. He used a leg to pull Kageyama back to him, his arms wrapping around his neck loosely.

"Tell me what happened last night, Hinata," Kageyama whispered but he didn't push him away. "This is frustrating me. I won't get mad at you if it's something we should just forget." This time, Hinata's face fell into a frown. He glared down at Kageyama, flicking his forehead and making Kageyama's face tighten up.

" _Frustrated_ -yama-"  
"Hinata, I'm being serious," Kageyama growled, about to push him away but Hinata was quicker, pulling him with a tough force that startled Kageyama. "I am too, _Annoying_ -yama," Hinata hissed, cupping Kageyama's face and pulling him closer so now they were just an inch apart. "I'm being serious and yet you still don't know. What more do I have to do for you to make you understand."

Kageyama didn't understand at all. Hinata was being himself, so forceful, so sweet, so tough, so gentle. There was no difference from when they were together in high school, no difference when they were kids.

Even Kageyama's heart beat. Maybe the difference was now, Hinata could hear it.

"You were drunk. I didn't want to count it," Hinata whispered softly, his cheek rubbing softly on Kageyama's, closing his eyes as he inhaled sharply. "But you wouldn't let go of me. You clinged to me like a child and wouldn't let me go. And when I thought it was a dream," Hinata pulled away, his forehead pressed against Kageyama's, looking straight at him. This time, Kageyama closed his eyes.

"You said my name."

Kageyama breathed in, emotion overflowing in his chest like a bubbling sensation. Was he going to cry? He didn't want to. Not when there was someone there with him.

"You said my name, _Forgetful_ -yama. It was mine," Hinata didn't sound like he was going to cry. No shake in his voice, no hesitation as he pressed his lips on Kageyama's hair, probably sweaty from the night before but he didn't care. Hinata was so strong. 

Kageyama didn't want to pull him down.

"Do you know how happy I am. Even if you say you hate me, even if you found a girl and ran away right now, I'd still know it's my name you said. And I'd be so happy for the rest of my life," Hinata moved his head again, now going to the other side of Kageyama's head, rubbing his cheek against his. Kageyama's cold skin contrasted with Hinata's warm, even the tan from Brazil was contradicting to Kageyama's natural paleness.

"You don't need to tell me you love me. You don't even need to hear me out. But Kageyama, if there's an empty seat at your table," Hinata pulled away, looking down at Kageyama's face, smiling brighter than ever. 

_Sorry Daichi-san,_ Hinata thought to himself, _I made Kageyama cry._

"Won't you let me sit with you?"

Kageyama didn't know how to speak. His mouth opened but now words came out. Too many thoughts raced in his mind, too many feelings he's never let himself feel before. The mere wish of not being alone.

He could be on a whole team and Kageyama still felt lonely.

He could be shouted the nicest compliments and Kageyama still felt undesirable.

He could be standing on the top of the world with all the gold medals in the world and still felt like he lost.

With Hinata, the sun came out. The streetlights turned off and he didn't need to rely on them to light the way anymore. With Hinata, Kageyama felt like he lost everything he needed to lose and gained everything he needed to gain.

"I don't want to be alone," Kageyama whispered, placing his head on Hinata's thigh, Hinata calmly stroking his hair. "I'm sorry for saying something so selfish. But I can't-I can't think of what it's like losing you. I don't know if I can be what you want."  
"Is that so?" Hinata hummed, like he didn't believe Kageyama's last sentence. "How do you know what I want, _Worried-_ yama?"

Kageyama looked up at Hinata and before Kageyama could say anything he was already pulling Kageyama by the collar of his shirt, his lips touching his in the a crushing wave of desperation and euphoria.  
Kageyama sat there, closing his eyes slowly, then kissed back.

"If you knew what I wanted, you'd come to me without hesitation," Hinata whispered against Kageyama's lips, pulling away just to kiss down Kageyama's jaw. "If you knew what I wanted, you'd kiss me again. You wouldn't run away. Can you do that for me, Kageyama? My Kageyama," Hinata kissed his neck, then his cheek, the corner of his lip, then his forehead. Kageyama's tears stopped but they glistened as the sun peered from the window behind Hinata. He was literally glowing.

"I want to be what you want," Kageyama admitted, squeezing his arms around Hinata's waist, lifting himself up for another kiss but Hinata pulled him back with his hair so he could kiss Kageyama's chin instead.

"I want to be what you need, _boke_."

Hinata smiled, his heart thumping in the same pace it did when he first saw Kageyama setting for him and only for him.

"Then don't change, Kageyama," Hinata whispered, pulling his face back down by grabbing Kageyama's chin, placing a final kiss on Kageyama's lips that didn't last long. That was fine though. There would be more, much more, in the future.

"I'll be here no matter what."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it, Tsubasa_no_Yume!


End file.
